I Quit

Quitting – even after my fourth job, I still feel the nervous and uncomfortable twitching sensation within myself. Every time as the thought darts its way through my brain, the calculating part of the brain keeps on churning the numbers: the risk and rewards, the financial projections and whether will there be a serious impact towards my bank and retirement accounts, is the discomforts, frustrations and agony justifies the departure… what if things turn for the better after that?

Most of the time, I always decided to do nothing about it: delaying the decision. After all, I’m still getting paid well and I don’t really have any immediate plans and safety nets that would make the departure a no-brainer.

And so I procrastinate for a while… or so I thought a few days back.

Three days ago, my boss called me into his office, together with the project manager I’m now under. As I sat down, the boss started the conversation with a concerned tone that he’s noticing a significant drop in my work and productivity. And he went on describing his observations, my heart sank and I’m feeling the twitch – as I know I’m turning a blind eye towards what I’ve already suspected all this while…

“To be honest, I’m seriously thinking about quitting,” I blurted, with words bypassed my brain. And an awkward silence.

“… When are you planning to leave?”

“I’m not sure, am thinking end of January to early February.”

“Are you starting a company or are you going to take on another job?”

“… Honestly, I have no concrete plans at the moment.” That was me: in a sheepish tone.

And seriously, it’s totally out of my character to even have this conversation started. After all, I tend to be calculating and making sure all the i’s are dotted and the t’s are crossed before I make such a declaration: in the past, all my resignations happened with a firm offer on hand. That’s how risk averse I was.

After a few minutes, I left his office, while the project manager and the boss were still inside: behind closed doors.

While relieved, I’m still worried: quitting without a safety net being laid out properly. I’ll write more about the journey towards the unknown within the next week or so – or at least what going in my head now and my plans in search of what I’m going to do when the January deadline is up.

For now, this is what I’ve thought of all along.