Today’s Drifting Thoughts: The Pattern that Needs to be Broken

… Finally I got my personal life back this week after managing to get my work done slightly after the deadline, which is a really much needed relief (that I can have my personal time back). But as posted previously, that is completely ruined by the flu that I got since Sunday, even until now some remnants of flu symptoms still remains while my immune system is struggling to fight back. But it was pretty evident that stress is indeed damaging to one’s health, and I’m pretty surprised how much sickness can be put at bay with great determination and keeping tabs with one’s lifestyle choices. But then again, given the possibility, it’s clearly evident that managing one’s workload and time can potentially save myself from having such incidents occurring again.

Hopefully that’s a skill that can be picked up and trained in due course of experience :).

Anyway, Saturday was our department’s annual programming competition and as much as the turnout is encouraging, somehow it gets less exciting among us year by year. But probably it’s because sitting there for eight hours and not needing any continuous attention and having an exam hall setting does make things a little… umm, dull?

But I guess the more fun part of the whole thing is the times when we are not working the day before as we played pool and have my first taste of archery :). And DAMN I never knew pulling a bow requires strong arms, especially the arm that was used to hold the bow! I find myself left arm (which holds the bow) constantly quivering and I find my arrows going virtually everywhere except for my targets! It’s like, it’s not just needs good aim, it also needs good strength the withstand not only during preparing the shot, but also the impact at the time when you release the arrow. But I sort of manage to get the gist of it halfway and at least I manage to hit the target board with greater accuracy. It’s definitely fun and would love to try again someday :).

…

On the more personal side of things, I find myself feeling slightly disappointed over things that “never got the way that I wished for” (basically it has been my deepest desire to share a private space with the one that I was attracted the most… I mean, just having the person’s presence sharing a common yet private space always gave me that feeling of great happiness that I’d wish that it’d never end: that’s a “beating around the bush” way of saying that I wanted to share the same hotel room with the one that I liked the most currently). But it’s sort of a recurring pattern which is bound to happen (which, in a way was my bad habit of wishful thinking and hoping for “things that will fall from the sky without intervention on my part”) but until the time I finally learnt my lesson to accept the fact that risk must sometimes be undertaken and gather courage to break the pattern, I guess this would continue for quite a long time.

To be honest… after three misses, I find myself in doubt some of the times and was constantly having the fears that things would likely not to work out. I’m not sure whether my pessimism was was indeed well-placed instead of being blind paranoia or my own timidity (i.e. being reality or just a self-fulfilling prophecy - i.e. it happened because I unconsciously wanted it to be). After all, any claims on openness would typically apply to what happening around them instead of what’s happening to themselves.

But despite the fact, I guess I’m still at my same ol’ pattern again: continuing to drop little hints from time to time without being overly explicit; and if past experiences continues to prevail, only to find myself to fall too much for the person at the time when I was told that there’s no possibility of it happening, then the whole cycle of despair before I pick myself up. Sooner or later this cycle must be broken, and all I can do is do whatever I can to breakout from the mistakes that I had made, I guess.

By that, it seemed that there’s only two possible outcomes: and the outcome would be extremely evident in whether the same statements gets repeated in my LJ in the future…