Today’s Drifting Thoughts + Emo Log: The Neverending Battle
Was at my hometown for the past three days: the place that I typically go back to unwind.
Honestly speaking although I was recharged considerably in a physical sense, the idle times that I’m capable to afford by being at my parent’s place really unleashed the demons within me. Well… not really actually “demons”, but more like the internal emotional turmoils that I find myself in: Murkiness of the heart, uncertainty of thoughts and fear of the unknown. As I find myself continuously fighting with myself (i.e. achieving ideals vs. meeting social expectation) over the things that I have been harping on for almost half a decade. Undeniably the greatest blockage at the moment is greatly regarding personal views conflicting my own perceptions: What could I possibly do when I find myself attracted to someone which clearly has all odds against it happening?1 Does it really need to become a couple in order to give your all?2 And a couple of my current perceptions and beliefs which is too fragmented for me to write down here at the moment. (stuff like possessiveness, sexuality, monogamous relationships etc.)
From a logical standpoint it seemed to point at the direction that “Misery is being drawn upon by my own ideals: the very things that I expected or desired the most”. But somehow it seemed that I have continuously reached this “conclusion” but I have yet to understand the essence of such a statement. Somehow I was under the impression that there’s something much, much more than sheer pessimism behind it… but somehow I can’t seem to get it… but that’s my hypothesis (read: that it had a deeper meaning) that needs to be proved and validated.
But anyway, was pretty confused, clueless and insecure with a couple of things at the moment (mostly with work and my present “crush”). Just felt as if I already used up quite a fair bit of good cards but I’m not sure whether I want to risk my gamble and opt for a change, which may screw up my game plan. Just for those who are curious about the quotes surrounding the “crush” word: putting aside that I’m getting mixed signals, the greater issue on hand is that I’m not sure with my own feelings and “signals” as well. A part of me longed for it while the other is strongly against it based on past experience. In effect I’m putting myself in a emotional limbo, to be honest.
But anyway, that’s going to one of the greater challenges that I faced until now: that’s something that needs to be managed out.
Written by
Seh Hui Leong
Python programmer by trade, interested in a broad range of creative fields: illustrating, game design, writing, choreography and most recently building physical things. Described by a friend as a modern renaissance man.