Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Square One

(11:56:38) Felix Leong: been at the stage which i found a major stumbling block in life
(11:56:56) Felix Leong: a roof that i can’t seem to penetrate and i’m already feeling demotivated to move on
(11:57:32) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: why not just go around it on the other way?
(11:57:53) Felix Leong: reducing the blog updates does help to sort out things a little, but a resolution can’t seem to be found
(11:58:01) Felix Leong: the other way?
(11:58:39) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: like using other method to get thru it
(11:59:47) Felix Leong: well… at the moment i still find finding the other method is very tough
(12:00:01) Felix Leong: since i didn’t have the crystalization of the issue that i’m facing
(12:00:13) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c
(12:01:47) Felix Leong: from the outset, it’s just me feeling a bit dissatisfied and stressed out at work
(12:02:32) Felix Leong: but i was looking the connections of this emotion from many different angles which makes me a bit… unsure
(12:02:43) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: unsure about?
(12:03:07) Felix Leong: whether taking a chance to change is worth the sacrifice of what i have now
(12:04:11) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c…that is a lot to weight on
(12:05:28) Felix Leong: probably the thought that i won’t (as well not wanting to) be there forever gave me that constant feeling of running away
(12:06:00) Felix Leong: feeling as if i’m unable to take on further stress and disappointments
(12:06:49) Felix Leong: the times when i feel of wanting to give up badly but constantly holding myself back knowing that it’s a extremely emotional aspect that is crying
(12:07:37) Felix Leong: a feeling that became stronger because i’m far more aware with my emotions now
(12:08:39) Felix Leong: … that’s my price of introspection
(12:08:53) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i see
(12:09:24) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: hv u ever been seperate ur emotional part while thinking of that?
(12:10:26) Felix Leong: as in, putting emotions aside and evaluate the situation logically?
(12:11:35) Felix Leong: hmm… in a way, i do
(12:11:43) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: yup
(12:12:22) Felix Leong: but the issue have deep roots in my emotional programming that i always ended up putting myself under the microscope
(12:12:57) Felix Leong: triggers of fear due to self-consciousness towards other people’s perception to me
(12:13:15) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i see
(12:13:42) Felix Leong: and the unsureness of my own abilities
(12:14:25) Felix Leong: as in the actual level of competence that is required and the current level of competence that i perceive to have now
(12:14:52) Felix Leong: and the unsureness of that limit of my competency was actually the roof or that there’s more room above it but i’m unable to break that barrier
12:15
(12:15:20) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: u dare to take a risk and test it?
(12:16:06) Felix Leong: that comes back what i had said just now “i’m in the brink of giving up; but continued to hold on”
(12:16:30) Felix Leong: i think that exactly the same feeling a three years ago when i first started my LJ
(12:16:33) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: aww ok ok
(12:16:35) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: lol!
(12:17:13) Felix Leong: not sure how many times i can let myself feeling like breaking down like that
(12:17:52) Felix Leong: and there’s no pillar of strength strong enough from the outside already
(12:18:02) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: but there is bound u gonna go back into this loop again until u found something out that release u fromt his circle
(12:18:14) Felix Leong: which now constantly tests my inner strength
(12:18:23) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c i c
(12:18:56) Felix Leong: in a way, the reason i manage to pull myself through my emotional turmoil that time is that i constantly find a constant pillar of support somewhere
(12:19:15) Felix Leong: the difference between then and now is that i have lost that
(12:19:34) Felix Leong: the pillar i was holding on last year had already been shattered
(12:19:49) Felix Leong: which turns out to be a one sided illusion that i have built upon someone else
(12:19:50) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: may i know what was that?
(12:20:11) Felix Leong: the admiration towards my colleague
(12:20:18) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c
(12:21:08) Felix Leong: thinking back, i was supported by such admiration at one point of time and the other
(12:21:44) Felix Leong: friends are as good as a cushion, but never a trampoline
(12:21:53) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: that is a bit tough since admiration is not a thing that u want then it will be there
(12:21:58) Felix Leong: which can bring myself to greater heights
(12:22:02) Felix Leong: indeed
(12:22:54) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: gosh
(12:22:56) Felix Leong: more like i haven’t had a friend who really brought me to greater heights
(12:23:15) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: other than him
(12:23:24) Felix Leong: not really
(12:23:59) Felix Leong: it’s because of that pillar of support that i have built within me (i.e. the admiration and hence the illusion) gave myself the inner strength
(12:24:25) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c
(12:24:31) Felix Leong: which in a way, i have been supporting myself
12:25
(12:25:17) Felix Leong: because of the very carrot that i have purposely dangled in front of me make me able to go further
(12:25:44) Felix Leong: although in a more unconscious manner
(12:25:46) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: now u are not falling for that again right?
(12:26:38) Felix Leong: more like now i have been able to look at this self-deception, i’m in a complete loss
(12:26:53) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c
(12:28:55) Felix Leong: even if i wanted to continue to use this psychological effect as a tool (with or without detachment), i can’t find something strong enough to become the “carrot”
(12:29:31) Felix Leong: my current obsession of personal finances may be an attribution of such habit (dangling the carrot, as in)
(12:29:45) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i see
(12:29:59) Felix Leong: but it’s more likely that i’m already passed that stage and i have to move on to an unknown territory
12:30
(12:30:30) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: well it good to take risk n see how far u would go
(12:30:51) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: if u fall down again, stand back up fron square one
(12:31:23) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: u dun get anything if u dun risk it
(12:32:01) Felix Leong: the thing is
(12:32:07) Felix Leong: i have always been at square one
(12:32:44) Felix Leong: even if i thought myself to be at square 2 or square 60, from one point of view, i have always been there
(12:32:48) Felix Leong: square one
(12:32:56) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i c
(12:33:28) Felix Leong: altho by verbal labelling, i’m now refering to a more spiritual (soul) plane
(12:33:55) ♪.59: Love Labour’s Lost: i guess u hv been researching to break the loop for long time eh?
(12:34:04) Felix Leong: mhmm
(12:34:33) Felix Leong: ever since the time when i made the vow: 看破一切¹