Today’s Drifting Thoughts: 精神支柱 [Support Pillars]

Today’s a mess, at least to me. As I feel dealing with people while threading on delicate matters was extremely overwhelming to a point that I felt beaten. And I really hate if I screwed up something (but definitely I had screwed up myself many times over). It’s still the greatest barrier/challenge that I’m still finding myself struggling to overcome.

At the moment, to be honest, I’m not feeling optimistic at all. There’s a lot of times when I thought to myself “I can’t take it anymore!”, “I give up!”… But somehow I still moved on. Somehow it’s like the more I hold on to it, the more I’m starting to see my own escapist mentality: feeling of wanting to disappear from the world. But from what am I escaping? That’s the question that I kept on asking myself but couldn’t find an answer. Problems, troubles, heartaches… but somehow I just felt if I ran away from those, I’m escaping life as well. But then again… what “life” really is…?

At the moment it just felt as if I’m not having a pillar of support and that I’m frantically trying to find and grasp one. Probably it was the reason why I have been clinging on to one particular person to another — a person who can act as my shelter and pillar of support? (not to mention having the interest of having a male partner rather than a female one?)

sigh

It seems that there’s still hard times ahead of myself… well… in which dealing with myself, so to speak. Probably I’m still having some problems accepting my shortcomings and do something about it. (Not to mention that what I’m doing now is just whine, whine and whine… wait a sec… am I going round in logical circles again ^^|||)