Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Happiness: Unknown

“As long as you are happy…”

Somehow thinking about the word “happy”, it seemed that I’m starting to wonder whether I’m starting to become unable to comprehend that simple word anymore. More like I’m unable to associate anything with that word anymore… which makes the meaning unclear to myself anymore. Does that mean that I was unhappy? Not really, to be honest. Yes, I do have my fits of frustration and sadness, but that doesn’t really make my life an unhappy one.

But somehow, it’s like… the word had its meaning devoided from me. It’s like, I still know what is “happy” and “sad” in an emotional sense, but the frailty of such experience just made me felt that probably there’s more to the word “happiness”. Having that meaning dropped from my own dictionary and finding my own definition of the term (in a way), now I’m completely lost and being unable to understand it anymore.

…

At the moment, I really don’t know what I’m living for. Currently I’m in some sort of a limbo being that there’s no reason for me to stay here, yet there’s no reason for me to leave either. So pretty much I had myself in a no-win situation. Is it that I didn’t have the energy and motivation to move somewhere? Or that I’m in such a constant motion that I’m completely unaware that I’m taking myself to somewhere? If the latter was the case, then that pretty much means that for the most part of my own life, everything was just purely accidental.

Did somehow observed that throughout my life, my motivation came from the fact that I wanted something, and therefore I worked my way to get I wanted. But now, it just felt that there nothing that had any strong pull towards me, and that whatever that I had worked and achieved has pretty much became something as small as a tick on my wish list. Or probably I’m just unable to visualise myself living on a completely different plane/level compared to what I’m living now. Now I just felt as if my dreams were just merely a repetition or improvement of my own past.

Is this really what I wanted in life?

That’s something I just can’t figure it out myself at the moment.