Consumer Consumed + Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Childish

Just got A BEST 2… both of them… the CD+DVD+DVD edition… at the expense of next month’s pay (credit cards can be both a blessing and a curse).

At least I got a discount and two posters for getting both of them :). And… It’s my first Countdown Live DVD :D!

Speaking of which, my colleague commented that “I don’t understand why people support their idol with such enthusiasm” (…or something like that, I can’t remember the words at all): It’s funny as it’s exactly what I thought about a few years back when I was in high school ^^||. And apparently now it was happening to me as I support Ayu a lot (although not to a point of fandom… but I do collect all her major albums, and most of them bought as soon as they were released).

Usually when I was asked, I just gave them the over simplistic (but true) answer that I liked her lyrics and admired that she wrote them all. But deep down I know it’s more than that, I know I was first attracted by the strong melodies and interesting arrangements (as expected from most Japanese music scene) but soon later I was completely conquered by her when I read the lyrics as she eloquently expressed strong emotions that I can relate to in a deeper level. That kind of resonance was really hard to describe in words, and she never failed to impress me album after album. You can say that I find a lot of encouragement, resolve and comfort in her songs.

Probably it’s just act like an unintentional mirror that it just happened to reflect back at me.

…

But on the more personal side of me… well… I’m sliding back in the slumps… at least I felt that way. Felt inferior sometimes, felt like giving up sometimes, felt afraid and anxious to a point of closing myself in sometimes… felt unsure sometimes, on whether I’m actually on the right track or not. Sometimes, I just wished that there’s some indication about my direction, but if life were to be that predictable, it wouldn’t be interesting at all either…

Sigh… I’m becoming greedy with my own life recently. It just seemingly easier to count my shortcomings than my blessings. Or that I have that wish that all my problems will go away? But somehow… what is it really “problems”? At times, thinking about it, most of them are just small problems but I deemed extremely annoying/trivial/inconvenient, or that, at most, overwhelmed due to various constraints. Just felt like wishing to be a child that wanted everything to be taken care of… in a way. But then… nobody can take responsibility in my own life… even they could, it’s more like a temporary measure than anything. Ultimately I have to take care of myself… or at least manage it somehow.

I don’t know… just felt really out-of-balance in my life… in a way. Some guidance and mentoring would be nice, but from the current situation, it just seemed that I’m on my own now, just have to figure it out somehow.