Today’s Drifting Thoughts: The Path

As much life’s pretty much the same (Duh! How many times do I have to repeat this, let alone using it as an opening repeatedly ^^||), things were a little different from within. Just didn’t feel all like my usual self, so to speak… yet it’s not something that can be labelled as good or bad. Just… moving forward, I guess… if that’s a good way of explaining it.

Somehow have been thinking… what is it like to be “awake”, what is it like to be “asleep”? Being “asleep” is more easily defined in the sense that it’s not hard to observe times when we are completely unconscious, but how far the scope of “asleep” can be? By what you’d define as “unconscious”? If whatever we do, probably out of habit and/or routine doesn’t require any “consciousness”, then isn’t it that we are “asleep” most of the time? … That kind of reasoning.

To be honest I can’t really imagine how was it like to be “awake” (or similar words such as “aware”, “attained”, “enlightened”), really. How should I say… it just seems that there’s a clear way to really define it. It seemed so… boundless. Taking for example, I have been constantly inquiring about many aspects in life throughout, and from time to time, I have reached to a point which I found the answer, and yet reaching that stage there was more questions: harder questions. So it’s like… if questions bring questions and bringing even more questions, then wasn’t it like an exponential graph that solving it completely was completely impossible? (or going round in circles/cycles analogy would be equally good) Then if that impossibility was the reality, what was the real criteria that makes our life/inquiry complete?

The simple answer will be to “drop” the question: what definition “drop” would be?

…

Anyway, I’m starting a few readings recommended by Ahmeddy now, somehow I’m having the idea that everything was presented to our own senses is nothing more than just a symbol and what we are really doing is to derive meanings or our own interpretations/perceptions out of these symbols: which we are most likely to have our own bias and conditionings that we aren’t able to really see the actual truth behind the symbol itself. Or probably it is the actual reality that symbols doesn’t really carry meaning… at all?

So sort of think of it, when I try to use “labels” over certain things, it’s just a matter of convenience to actually convey something that is known by the society. But to really understand what I really “meant”, it has to go deep behind the semantics and myself… and probably that’s just the place where no one can really reach: probably at most just a good approximation of where I was. This just came to me when I was thinking about my current sexuality label that I’m using “gay/homoflexible”: it’s just a matter of convenience for and to myself to convey my current position but didn’t really carry much weight to anyone unless one really understood my semantics behind the term itself.

Somehow I had the feeling that there will be a Chapter 6 coming… not really sure when. But the time will come when I really arrived. That’s how I look at it at the moment. No guarantees on where will I be by then ^^|||.