Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Pain and Jealousy

It had been years, yet I can’t seem to figure out what aching pain is. What is it that I hate about this pain… why is it that I wanted it to go away yet it can’t? Somehow the sight of a possible answer has yet to be seen…

Is it about losing the other? Losing the so-called notion of “love feeling”. But in a way I knew that I have overcame that but yet the pain is still felt. Is it because of my insistence to associate this unknown pain as an “emotional” one? But thinking about it, if I have knew that it’s not the other who causes the pain, then the responsibility can’t be on anyone but myself. But somehow I can’t seem to get it right… in creating a environment in which it could heal. What’s have I done prevents the wound from healing… that’s just the missing piece that I’m still constantly searching.

---

Reflecting on it a bit… somehow I’m thinking about the words “superiority” and “inferiority”. Somehow I just can’t be satisfied anymore, as my own vision of ideals have been set upon others… somehow as if I’m thinking that I’m deprived of things that the people around me didn’t have difficulty in obtaining: “love”, “attention”, “wealth”, “attainment”, “happiness”, “state of being”… A great jealousy arises in me… a turbulence which brings unrest to “myself”… whatever “myself” may be.

Yet it’s not that I’m not fulfilled in the physical sense… yet the outside seems fine and yet just slightly deeper inside is nothing less than a complete disaster. It’s like… just scratching the surface a bit you’d have seen the wounds in me. What is it that I’m dissatisfied? What discontent and discord that lies within me? What is it that I’m unconsciously hankering for…?

Somehow just felt as if my awareness has been in slumber most of the time… only remembrance being that there was gaps in between which felt as if my awareness was fast asleep: eyes were open yet never see. By that, what does it means by “remembrance”? What “awareness” really is? Somehow it seems that these experiences had slipped off from me for so many times that have lost touch somehow.

“… what is ‘reality’? What are ‘illusions’?…”

---

Anyway, the things I have been pretty much writing up until now… actually was things that I have read myself and was inspired by the grandeur of our spiritual realms. Yet, well, I’m not satisfied by just excited by just mere descriptions of it, I wanted to experience and taste it completely. And probably I had made an expectation out of it that I get disappointed time and time again when these glimpse just slipped through from my arms

Is it possible to really “attain”? At this point, it just seemed that it’s impossible, as if it’s not from this world that we are living in right now. Many times I pretty much gave up, utterly tired of all fruitless use of energy… to be honest… yet again and again either knowingly or unknowingly I continue to embark of the path of searching.

“… Losing sight… meaning unable to see what’s actually in front of us in this very moment… remember that…”

…

Anyway, I’ll be back to my hometown for a week for Chinese New Year. So I only update when it’s convenient for me to do so. That’s all.