Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Going Deep

Sit down, relax, meditate… umm, probably not ^^||. But it’s true that I’m starting to wander deep, notice the subtle changes within myself a bit more. Although it’s more general in saying that in noticing the changes of my emotions and feelings with all the things surrounds and/or happening to me, more directly speaking that most of my attention goes to the physical/sexual dimension of things.

(What a good way to rationalise myself about me starting to noticing more male bodies around me? XD)

OK, seriously. Somehow my views pretty much… fluctuate over time, if that’s a good word to use. By fluctuate I didn’t mean having myself being turned on and off all the time (sexually, as in). It’s more like… my views on sexual attraction and the importance of it starts to get blurry. And it gets more muddy when the concepts of “love” and “relationship” starts to get associated the “sex” keyword. It’s like… the question on my head goes something like “Is ‘love’ just nothing more than a sexual attraction?” As much as I don’t deny that sexual attraction does have a role, somehow I knew “love” can be far more than that. It’s just confusing as that, somehow I knew and experienced that both “love” and “sex” were two completely different entities, and yet sometimes they can be so intertwined with each other that makes it a bit more confusing. (Wait! I think I said about this before a long time ago)

But really, what really surprised me is the fact that up until now I wasn’t really turned on, at all. Not even the slightest excitement. It’s not really the fact that there aren’t attractive people around, to be honest, but… it’s that I can’t see anything “special” with the people around me. Umm… if it made any sort of sense. Is it me being picky, well… I don’t think so. But it’s more like… I can’t seem to “relate” with them, in a way.

“… Finding meaning in beauty…?”

… At this point, I’m still questioning deep within myself… “What’s really in sex? If it’s just something periphery, I couldn’t possibly hanker for it? What’s in it that I need in my own being…?” Somehow I just can’t figure it out. Even more so with the question what’s in it of certain “type” of body I feel attracted to. It’s like, just touching any body (notice that it’s two words) wouldn’t have be any more than just a friendly gesture or touch. But there’s just that kind of “body”: a male body which is just slightly chubbier than average and not so muscular kind would have given me that feeling to exploring, touching, hugging etc. (not necessarily means that would like to have sex with)… just the sort of “ideal type of body” I’m hankering towards to. But somehow I can’t seem to understand… “why the hankering… not to mention why the hankering for just this type of body?”, “What’s really the trigger of that feeling within me? What kind of connection between that and myself?”

Somehow everything just doesn’t really make sense at the moment.