Today’s Drifting Thoughts: What You See

These days I can’t really write anything at the moment, it’s like… when I just had the idea for an impromptu post, a contradicting viewpoint just popped into my head which pretty invalidate myself in a way. Which made me think whether if they are really contradictory, why I’m able to have, and possibly exercise two different viewpoints. Is it depends on the situations that I’m in and different experiences that I had? Or probably I perceive things differently in different moods? (Does that make me fickle, in a sense?)

Somehow it seems that I portray myself differently with different people, somehow I’m wondering was it really me? Somehow I don’t feel like fake myself in anyway, at most I just keep some of my emotions and thoughts to myself, I suppose. So pretty much what most people see was indeed me, just that it’s more like part of real me. But to be honest, who would really want to see the complete “real me”? I’d probably have difficulty on that one ^^||… there’s more rubbish and ugly pus going through me. In a way, that indeed will trigger a lot of self-consciousness and inferiority complex.

Sometimes I do feel inferior, in a way, as if all I can share is negative stuff (at least from my point of view) which no one would want or care, and possibly avoid by all means. Or that what I’m asking for is too hard or too high of a price… therefore most of the time I work very hard myself, alone, to achieve those things. With some insistence and stubbornness, in fact. At the same time, I think I take a lot of easy, simple and trivial things for granted… especially when I receive these kinds of kind gestures, it does seem that I get a bit thankless ^^||. Well… not that I didn’t feel grateful at all, just that I don’t find saying “Thank you” all that useful… or probably I prefer non-verbal gestures. Or probably it is indeed fact that I’m thankless ^^||…

Anyway, there’s still more things that I have to figure out, I guess… still feeling that only myself knows my situation best and the only person who can deal with it is myself. Still feeling a bit helpless as I can’t do much about what others think… but starting from myself is always a good start, I hope.