Today’s Drifting Thoughts: The Confusion of Calculated Risk

I’m not sure whether I had mentioned it before, I always see things as some sort of calculated risk: if there’s something new in front of me, I wouldn’t jump right into it but to think it through carefully. If I’m sure that I’m capable to take up the risk and possible damages, then I’ll pick that up.

However, at the moment… there’s things that I wanted to commit myself in life, and yet I can’t seem to assess the risk properly and take action with any confidence. Which pretty much leads to an agonizing irritation within me… not liking the feeling of not able to take any sort of action that leads to something. As much it’s some sort of a very good protection to me, yet the pain that I brought onto myself was sometimes so overwhelming that I fell into the trap of suppression.

And in the end, I was so confused that probably that’s why everything is so contradicting and there’s no direction in sight in front of me. That engulfing emptiness… at least I interpreted it as some sort of a negative space instead of a positive one. Therefore currently I’m lacking a dream which I wanted to achieve in the future… and at the same time it seems that I’m getting desperate to a point that I’m rushing into fitting myself into a momentary illusion.

Same goes to the one that I loved very much… at the moment I’m in an intense struggle with myself on whether I should have just say my feelings out loud to him and be done with it or to continue to observe the situation carefully. If I like him that much to a point that I felt something missing within me without him… why I’m still holding back my feelings…? What am I afraid of losing…? … Afraid of a strained relationship after being rejected…? Afraid with the possibility that I might have to face the fact that everything is just a love fantasy on my part…? Afraid of whatever that haunts me from the past…?

But at this pace… if I were to continue to suppress my feelings, it wouldn’t be any good to myself and/or him… worst case scenario that harm may be done. I really don’t know how am I going to be able to confess my feelings without any hesitation and anxiety!

… Or am I… just being a coward who does not want to admit that I’m one…? But deep down… I had always hoped for… to be able to confess my feelings for once without having to hold myself back… and being able to be with someone that I treasured the most… And that I’ll regret it for my whole life if I’m unable to achieve that.

That’s a barrier of fear that I have to overcome myself…