Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Escapism

Somehow these days I have been thinking about the concept of escapism… and probably with my current emotional stability, it’s probably not a good time to ponder about it. It’s not really thinking about escapism per se, but more like figuring out “reaching and being at the ultimate point of no return” (which is part of the transition poem, if somebody did notice). OK, probably “ultimate” is an exaggeration on my part, as I’m not even sure whether the concept of “ultimate” does really exist.

Come to think about it… I personally think, at least by my past action analysis, that I do have some form escapism tendencies. And it might have been right when Uncle Steven (a Chinese fortune telling practitioner that my mom knew) advised strongly against me exposing myself to religious sects at a young age… and probably I’d have been a monk or something so that I can live in that little utopia which I can construct endlessly in my head, effectively closing myself off from the outside world and, probably, the “truth” of happiness.

Which in a way I am admitting that emotional immaturity of mine. Somehow living in this present world is so overwhelming at times that I’m surprised that I still manage to hold on until now. I’m not sure whether I should attribute that to my strong will and determination to achieve what I had set in mind or that I’m too spineless to do anything about it.

But I’m glad that I’m determined to continue with my own journey of self exploration and exposing myself to different things in life and of the outer world. Probably I wouldn’t have caught a glimpse of the ecstasy at all if I were to close myself within. And probably because of that… I’m afraid… intensely afraid, that I can’t manage to carry myself on. At times… I still find myself shrinking back into my own shell, closing myself away into seclusion… yet afraid that I’d find myself dead in my enclosed glass house. (not exactly in the physical sense, it’s more of a metaphor of mine. But I’m not discounting the fact that it’s probably part of the whole)

Sometimes I tremble, doubting… asking myself “Is it really OK for me to take on this journey alone? Are you sure you are capable to do this?”. Even now the feeling’s still there… “… What if, I failed…?” Am I desperate to a point that failure is not an option? Am I viewing this “success” so seriously? What if this “success” turns out to be a failure in disguise? Nobody can be really certain, to be honest.

“… Is doing everything and wanting nothing in return really possible…?”

There’s still quite a lot of questions await to be answered… probably questions that will never find an answer to… by then… I can only wait… and hope.

“Let my whole being tremble! Let my whole being be shattered! Let my doubts be cleared!”

(Excerpt of my transition poem, “My Way Home”)

- Finding the missing piece -

[Note, 10:16pm: This entry has been edited three times just to get the meanings right X(.]