Back to Square One Again

Did something “suicidal” today (note the quotation marks), which breaks everything down within 30 seconds… one whole year of question marks has came to an end. Would it be better if I fight persistently? I don’t know, that’s only thing I know now is that the feelings are still there but I’d prefer to let things be. If the seed is going to sprout, it’d sprout eventually… at least that’s what I think at the moment. After all, I have failed to work things out the way I wanted to.

It’s a whole mixed bag of emotions, to be honest: sad because I don’t like feeling rejected, but yet at the same time feeling relieved from a burden that I have put upon myself. At least I don’t have to be that concerned with whether I’d end up with him in the end.

As much as I had to admit that it was probably my worst presentation (it’s bloodily swift and anti-climatic/dramatic, to be honest), it was my first time being honest with myself, in a way… (well… not honest enough… but anyway). At least I survived… for now (and that’s the most pessimistic outlook in terms of time frame, which is pretty optimistic by itself). Probably will find myself having this memory “haunting” me for some time, at least from a historical/tendency viewpoint, but it’s OK, since I tend to recover fast by sleeping/crying it off. See whether there’s any more room for self improvement during the recovery process, I guess.

As usual, not really sure how things will turn out later… kind of anxious thinking about it: being back to square one again and the consequence of that action. Just hoping that I’d manage to find the “treasure” within me… that’s what I think as “the most important”, I guess.