Today’s Drifting Thoughts: until that Day…

[Chapter: DOWN]

… And so the days continues which I still feel like shit (literally), slump’s not over, so it seemed. Feeling of emptiness, heartbreaks and losing confidence still looms my inner sky that it was suffocating.

Feeling like crying several times yet I still can’t really pour them out. Everything seems like a breakdown at the moment… which all hopes, dreams and fantasies in my head seems to become so impossible that only despair was to be natural to me.

“Is it worth to continue living on… such a life of emptiness?”

Somehow I felt myself completely split (schizo?)… yet the discontentment of not finding the answer and my own present outcome was so in my mind that I was completely confused.

… And it has been a while I having dreams at night… something that has been seized for some time in the past.

“Is happiness something that I cannot have…?”

In a time when faced with complete contradiction, everything was just seen as a complete blank and struggle… that’s how I felt, I guess.

[Chapter: UP?]

Just picked up Ayu’s Secret album just now, and it’s just the thing that I needed. There’s just something about her music and lyrics that I’m always able to relate to at a deeper level. Not sure whether is it just my own interpretation of her lyrics and adaption to my own situation, or that it’s just Ayu herself.

So now I’m pretty much in a mixed bag of emotions, I guess. The shitty feeling will stay for some time while waiting for it to heal, but at the same time I was encouraged enough and uplifted…

Who knows… my tears may come down some day… and who know what my future will be? But it seems that I will always need to pick myself up and continue with my own journey ahead…

… until that Day…

まだまだ終われない 止まってられない
 いつだってそうやって乗りこえて来たんじゃない？

投げ出しちゃったら 背を向けたら
 あの時流した涙に失礼じゃない？

I can’t end it yet, I can’t stop
That’s how I’ve always got through everything, right?

If I give up, if I turn my back
Wouln’t that be rude to the tears I cried then?

— excerpt from until that Day / Ayumi Hamasaki, translation by Cori