Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Present Situation in Life

Let me just summarize my current life in a whole (which pretty much covers how I think and felt during the past few week - months):

Of working life:

It’s really hard to say whether I’m happy or not, to be honest, but so it seemed that I’m starting to have some dissatisfaction on my own. Not really sure whether it’s because I took up something that over-exceeds my “acceptable” workload… but what indeed happened is that my comfort zone was completely destroyed. I’m still particularly getting used to communicating with other people, which is still stressing me out for some reasons (because I’m anti-social or something?).

So… currently it’s not particularly a good sight, at least from my own point of view, I’m starting to get overly sarcastic, bad tempered and critical over things at the moment. Then there was signs of stress: getting tired and demotivated easily, mood swings, declining health and so on and so forth.

Sigh I don’t know, seems like this is the greatest obstacle I have faced in life, which was indeed quite a challenge by itself. One thing is that it did indeed exposed my shortcomings and weaknesses in many ways, and I do have to be honest that getting over that reluctance to change myself to face up to the challenge presented was the major issue now. And knowing that it was beneficial to me and that I really needed the lesson makes me even more desperate: I’m still trying to get over with the suffering and emotional turmoil.

I’m still trying to figure out how to handle this and where the limit line should be. I hope I didn’t end up pulling out the last straw… I can’t imagine the consequence. Probably I might as well adjust my pace and get all the work on hand solved, that would greatly reduce my current dissatisfaction and agony (and probably knowing/learning how to say “no” sometimes, the feeling like being dragged around by my own situations and circumstances is not fun, IMHO)

Of relationship:

Currently I’m still under the impression that “I don’t know what’s in his head at the moment and I can’t possibly understand him!” ^^|||. That’s enough to give me enough room of second guessing myself, I think… with my own insecurities and all. Not to mention that I might have thought too much that my own perspective of the world might have been badly skewed ^^|||.

Not really sure whether is it that… deep down, I had that fear of getting closer to him…? Afraid of feeling rejected and the consequence of that, which may affect my own surroundings as well… it’s still a big gamble on my part.

I’m not really sure whether understanding him better would really relieve me from having myself suffering from my own over analysing of the situation. But probably I’m just yearning for closeness and warmth which triggers the emotion… probably I was indeed desperate, in this sense ^^|||. Thinking about it… hunger, greed and deprive wasn’t something to feel guilty about (at least logically), I just need to figure out a way to utilise this as a good motivator.

I don’t know, hopefully things will turn out well… even it wasn’t something that I envision it to be. Really had to work hard on myself for the year 2007.