Today’s Drifting Thoughts: 地獄 [Hell]

Been catching up with Jigoku Shoujo lately, and it has been very thought provoking in many ways. Somehow it does made me wonder whether is it that I really like these kind of things that contains moral ambiguity ^^|||. Probably it reflect that aspect of myself… being more open… well, in a way, anyway.

But somehow it also proves to be my worst shortcoming, so it seems. A lot of times I withheld and suppress a lot of things in the name of respecting others, as in making sure whether others allows me to do so, or that they were open to what I’m going to do. Probably a constant theme throughout my whole LJ (life?), I think. Sometimes things just slipped by in the end.

I do have to admit that part of it is due to the need of acceptance, the fear of rejection as well as being overly self conscious. At least that was part of the list that I have worked out myself. I’m not really sure why assurance from the outside were that important to me (at least at an unconscious level), but probably… I do need a certain kind of “safety”… I think. Is it that it’s just a natural desire, or that I don’t want myself to be held responsible completely? (or another way of putting, in a bad way, it is that at least a got an emergency exit to blame someone?)

Come to think of it, probably this might as well be an act of cowardice? ^^|| Or in another way of putting it is that whether am I avoid happiness when I shun away from the possibility of pain and suffering?

I’m not really sure about it myself, to be honest. But somehow if were to keep on trying, opening that door that has been long shut, probably I would find the answer? That might be something that I can’t guarantee myself… I guess… ^^|||