Today’s Drifting Thoughts: 笨蛋 [Idiot]

最近不知道为什么，特别喜欢说“笨蛋”。（至少在心里面）

是因为想骂你那似乎迟钝又没什么关心体贴吗？还是骂自己那不敢积极争取又充满单方面的爱情幻想？

现在所看到的，是一向来的事实吗？还是这场延长战的连锁效应？似乎自己真的是一切都看得不太清楚。

或许自己在妒忌吧…总是觉得别人能够轻而易举得到你的笑容与接触，自己似乎得来有点费力。是自己多心吗？还是只是自己十分贪心？还是自己那要求，都只是自己想要的虚空幻想？

其实自己真正想要的，是你的“立场”吗？还是是你的“肯定／否定”？或许这个举棋不定的家伙，最需要的是轻轻地被拉一拉还是推一推的（现实是不太可能那么温柔吧？）。

…或许是想要，那小小的“温柔”吧…

I don’t know why recently I liked to call people “idiot”. (At least in my heart)

Is it because I wanted to scold you for that seemingly insensitivity as well as the lack of care? Or that I’m scolding myself for that timidness, fear to single-mindedly pursue my dreams as well as my own one-directional love fantasies?

Is that whatever I’m seeing now, has all the while been the truth? Or that a chain reaction of such a long extended battle? Seems that even I myself wasn’t even able to see anything clearly.

Maybe I’m just feeling jealous… Always feeling that your smile and touch is so easily available to others yet so hard to myself. Is it that I’m thinking too much? Or is it that I’m just being plain selfish? Or that that very thing that I wanted so badly is just an empty fantasy?

Is it that what I really wanted, is your “stand” on the issue? Or that your “Yes/No”? Maybe this indecisive guy, probably needs some gentle nudging the most (But reality can’t be this kind?).

… Or maybe what I want… is just that small “tenderness”…