Today’s Drifting Thoughts: 必然？[Inevitable?]

Currently I’m still following my own train of thoughts… finding the roots of all issues and dealing with them. And somehow it’s like… it’s starting to get more harder and harder to face. Let’s use this recent happening as an analogy to this: It’s been a long, long time I have been suffering with sinus problems. It’s like… hardly I can remember the days when I don’t need tissue paper or when I’m not sneezing. So I have pretty much attribute that to my poor health… or the impression of it.

But after I changed my towel blanket to a summer quilt, the sneezes has stopped completely. And from that it’s not hard for me to realized that all this while I have been allergic to something that has been close to me and that I have dismiss clues that it was the culprit several times. Although I did feel much healthier now, but the absent of sneezing is starting to make me realize more health problems with my own body… and that sometimes it was harder to bear then before (It might have been the case that the sneeze has distracted me from other problems that I had).

Same goes to my own internal growth… looking back at the years (well, after all, I did kept my records clear in my LJ), it wasn’t that hard to see that I had dealt with various issues in the past. And yet as I go more deeper into it, it’s getting much more… harder to bear. It’s like… all this while, all my own weakness and problems stemmed very deep down and it was mostly caused by myself in one way or the other.

Fear, timidity, guilt… not having courage to reach out to get what I needed and unknowingly preferred that I bore the pain to losing things. It did happened many times already: I had let a lot of good things that I had always dreamt of slipping from my hands again and again. Is it that I’m putting a rosy picture that not having something that I needed dearly is a way to show self sacrifice. But really… is that really just an ego booster?

Cause and effect… a never-ending cycle… that was indeed the case on describing what I understood from it. And… by all means, I’m really don’t want it to repeat again and again. A real change: persistence and determination… what does it actually mean…?

That’s the thing that I’m trying to figure out… the true self…