Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Lack Of
From time to time, or rather, half of my time, I felt pretty self-conscious. Feeling inadequate and/or deprived, to be more exact.
Most of the time, most of my jealousies, anguish and sadness stemmed from that feeling: The feeling of lacking.
Lacking imaginations to think of goal to push my limits.
Lacking of drive and passion to materialize the things I wanted to achieve.
Lacking love, attention and physical closeness to feel warmth.
Lacking knowledge to understand things that I really wanted to know.
Lacking in financial resources to fulfill my heart desires.
Lacking the energy and strength to pull myself through challenges and rough times.
Lacking courage to live whatever I preach and sometimes, against all odds…
Do I hate myself? …in a way, yes. Despite my own belief that I perceive that I actually love myself more.
Why that feeling of wanting to be on top of the whole world? Why the yearning of living a life without worries at all? Why the desire of getting everything my way? I really do wonder what’s the purpose of such unnecessary anguish and the reason why I’m clinging on to it.
Somehow I had the impression that I’m locking myself in one tiny little box during those times. Maybe I still haven’t really accepted who I really am…?
Written by
Seh Hui Leong
Python programmer by trade, interested in a broad range of creative fields: illustrating, game design, writing, choreography and most recently building physical things. Described by a friend as a modern renaissance man.