Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Second Chance: Real Life Version

It’s pretty hard to describe what I have been through since Friday… at the emotional level, that is.

Let’s see, I get to know my increment last Thursday, and I got very, very, very disheartened by the rate I have been getting. I don’t know why… is it because I am comparing myself with others?Or I have some sort of unrealistic expectation or a bloated ego… Whatever the reason, I just felt that… I really deserve more than what I have been given.

Heck I’m feeling all upset but I just can’t find an outlet to express that. That feeling like having a heart like an inflated balloon is very hard to bear.

I don’t know what to say, really. It’s pretty much act as a wake up call to me, to be honest: Time to really review myself, as in my own mistakes, priorities and the options that I had. To be honest… I’m feeling as if I’m facing a bigger world than I used to know… a lot of uncertainties and everything. Somehow I had the opinion that it wouldn’t make much difference to just change my own direction all the time because I didn’t like something along the way. Just by my own observation and understanding that if I never knew the root of my own misery, I’ll never get out of it forever.

I remembered the time when I said to myself when I accepted the job offer: “Just give it two years and see where you’d go next”. Now I realize that the meaning of “two years” in the “where you’d go next” context, that means the planning and review has to be done at least half a year earlier.

And currently my own feeling is that… I’m pretty satisfied with whatever I had now: having a very nice and flexible job and knowing a lot of colleagues who taught me a lot about technical stuff and life. And I find myself loving someone along the way… as much I had never said anything about my feelings to him, and in the process I have start to understand a lot about my own emotions and my own self. Really, it has been a good journey and I’d walk on the path for as long as I could.

But somehow… deep down, I just felt I’m still not operating at my maximum capacity. That has always been my greatest dissatisfaction in my own life and am still struggling to find my full strength. It’s really like I’m still groping in the dark in many ways.

Currently I’m reshuffling my plans and my finances/expenses sheet. By the looks of it, I does seemed that I needed to be more prudent and practical… :(, hope that doesn’t translate into having myself being boring and money faced. And somehow just by chance or coincidence, I noticed that I still have a lot of cards that I haven’t played yet. Sorta made me think that I need to set my sights further and prepare to make some sacrifices…

But till then, let’s see how things goes along the way.