Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Time Off

It’s been a few days, as usual.

My brother was discharged from the hospital last Saturday, and I purposely went back to see him. To be very honest I didn’t really feel like it as:

1. It’s only a week since I went back
2. I have lots of work to sort out and I’m WAY past my deadline
3. I’m very tired these days

…etc. etc.

But on the way home, I had time to organized my thoughts on this matter, and it’s just… funny how much excuses we can come up to avoid the real issue. Somehow, sorting out my own ramblings over something that I really loathed and carefully analyse the “reasons” that I had to explain my own negative attribution to something, I find myself digging deeper and deeper into the “reasons” and at some point finding some contradictions to my own arguments. And soon after the whole reasoning falls apart and I’m kinda embarrassed to say that everything is just an “excuse-in-disguise”.

Just sort of bring up a very simple example from what I have said, the reason “I have lots of work to sort out and I’m WAY past my deadline” is definitely a dead-on excuse: for one thing, the definite contradiction is that I don’t want to bring any work-related stuff back home. I know where my line is in terms of work and play and personal space. And even there’s a possibility that I might go back to the office on weekends (which I don’t mind), but I usually won’t go back unless it some desperate circumstances.

And thinking deeper into the excuse, the “excuse” itself is a emotional fact: I felt pulled down, as the long-overdued work has been clinging on me, creating some sort of emotional stress. And by that emotion, I only use it as a very convenient escape to create an illusion of a reason to work against the idea of me going back to my hometown.

And so, what’s the real issue of my reluctance to go back? The real reason has to do with the ugly side that I tried very hard to repress and forget: That deep down, I have some fears and hatred that I had with my own family but I pushed it down inside. Well, doesn’t mean that I hate or fear them totally, but, like any other relationship with people, there’s definitely some disappointments and anger during our lives with them but was not expressed openly for various reasons.

Further elaborating on the two issue. In a way, there’s a lot of anger and disappointments that I had with my family, but I usually don’t voice them out: A lot of times when I was forced into doing something, when I was treated unfairly, when my opinions weren’t heard, when I was asked very embarrassing questions that I really don’t want to answer…

And the next thing was the fear: the fear of coming out from the closet. This is also part of the anguish that I had for these few months when I’m exploring my own thoughts and feelings. The current situation is that… I’m bisexual, or more like a homoflexible, and now I have feelings towards a very good male friend of mine. As much we weren’t together (in terms of a partnership, we are still friends and I still can’t gather courage to express my feelings to him) at the moment, but yet when I think of the possibility that I had a mutual relationship with him or some other person of the same sex (or put it as “gay marriage”, if that floats your boat), how would my family feel? Am I capable to face the challenges and objection coming from the society?

It’s definitely something so hard to swallow myself that I’m starting to avoid my own family unconsciously, seeking an illusionary security that by avoiding them, the problem will disappear. But that’s pretty much planting my own head underneath the sand.

…

Coming back, my brother is doing very well back home. Currently he is forbidden to do heavy exercises for the time being, other than that, he’s doing as well as usual. It’s a pretty rare situation as well to see the entire family back home, and we had some good quality time back home. There’s something that really gets on my nerves though: during those two days, guest have visited and tons of phone calls got through. And pretty much I can’t rest much because of all the commotion back home XD. But that shows that people are concerned with my brother ;).

Other than that, I’m giving myself a break for a while from any impromptu posts. At least at this time, it’s much better to use my faculties to get rid of the task on hand now :p.