Today’s Drifting Thoughts: An Unknown Fate Without Directions

Back online again :), I hope I’m not going to do another ADSL modem warranty again.

It’s been a few days that I’m able to actual sit/lie down, relax and letting myself wandering around… soul searching and thought drifting. Well… you know, it’s almost lying down on a lush grass plane while watching the clouds pass by… just that the qualities are different in terms of context :).

Somehow up to this point of life… I had that feeling that my life is constantly changing… It’s kinda of funny feeling, to be honest: It’s like, sometimes, when I just silently sit down, I just had some visions of where I’d be… in which I definitely had no idea whether is it a hunch of my own or is it of a projected dream/reality that I had in my own mind.

Come to think of it, I had always had my own dreams ever since I was a child. A variety of them, in fact. And every little dreams pretty much constructed a lot of my own ideals that I had carried in some form or the other: my own visions, philosophies and world views. In a way that you can say that I had built a personal utopia on my own head.

And as times goes on, some dreams weren’t able to become true due to a lot of factors. Not particularly due to the fact that there weren’t the chance, but a lot of times, when I was much younger, like all (if not most) children, I was dependent to my own social circle, in this case would be my parents and the people around me. And through my experience in growing up, a lot of rejections have to be faced, a lot of my retaliation and protests were either crushed or unheard of.

Thinking about it, feeling rejected and disappointed is perfectly normal, however somehow in some way, it kinda took a very pessimistic turn which I formed my own world view “my fate, destiny, powers and limitations are in the hands of others” in my head in some way or the other.

I couldn’t say whether this observation about the world is correct or not, but, reflecting back, that pretty much contributed to my own behaviour: being passive, submissive and self conscious when it comes to making some decisions in life: especially when I’m faced with the things that I wanted or yearned dearly.

And through the process of living away from my parents, it really opened up a different world to me: it really made me see that although one’s fate isn’t deterministic as there’s many different forces and factors, known and unknown, influencing the possible outcomes; I myself is also part of the very minute influence to the fate of others and myself.

… And, although probably unrelated, it really made me aware that I still had a lot of vested anger and disappointments in me… feeling negatively to the people who had shattered one or many of the dreams that I have had. So, in a way, I was emotionally compromising with a lot of the people that I was, or was once, close to. And that, in a way, I did had my mask to hide these vested anger from them.

…

Through the process, due to sudden awareness, I started to let go… or at least learning how to. I know the word “let go” is kinda vague in this context, but in a way I can’t concretely pinpoint what is to be let go of… it’s just one of those statements that are hard to express in words, I guess :).

And somehow I had the feeling that I’m now living an unknown fate without any indication of directions. And sometimes the thought of it really made me nervous and anxious somewhat. But having taken the leap of faith… guess we’d have to see what happens next ;).