Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Harder + Tougher = Progressing…?

Somehow I just feel like things are just getting more challenging… In terms of my own working and personal life.

Work wise, well, my probation period ends once I survived through April. It’s pretty an exciting thought, really. However, it’s not really the end of my probation period but more of the beginning of my own working life. And I know that once I reach that milestone, there’s more things ahead of me: both opportunities and challenges. It did really made me nervous somehow… it’s like, the more you start to settle down at one point, the more you’ll able to see that things are constantly moving and changing. As much as I’m glad that I’m in a comfort zone by its own right, it’s pretty hard for me to imagine how things will be down the road.

The insecurity in security, I suppose.

As for my personal life… I don’t know, I just find it quite funny that it’s much easier to get closer with a friend than to somebody that I really liked/loved.It’s really hard to explain this kind of feeling, but it’s really like sometimes there’s something like an invisible barrier to get close or understand that special somebody. And as much as I get frustrated from time to time, more often than not these frustrations are being swept away instantly after I was caught off-guard by those little gestures that he makes: usually a very innocent smile and laugh.

I get kinda confused sometimes, to be honest. It’s really like… is it a matter of perception or something? I did wonder whether I have that “imaginary love utopia” in my head that I’m expecting those to happen? Probably I do have some of those fantasies, considering the fact that I can get frustrated sometimes when I’m by his side. Maybe I’m just deprived of some of the little thing and necessities in life: Spending time with someone, doing small little chores together, holding someone else’s hand, embracing somebody and feel his/her warmth. All these are small little things that can be achieved easily, or rather, it’s already readily available to us: all that simple joy and happiness that was in abundance around us! And what makes myself silly is that… why suddenly this has become hard? ^-^||

Probably it just stems from the fact that I wavered and I don’t know where’s the “door” that reaches to you. I constantly felt like I’m bumping into walls all the time when I attempted to approach.

Maybe I haven’t fully accepted the fact that others have the right NOT to open their doors.

I do have to admit that it’s much more easier to dream of the roses than to getting less frustrated when the thorn pricks every time ^-^||.

[:: P/S: Maybe I might as well call this a “single-person-secretly-admiring-someone” rant :p]