September 2005 - Searching The Way… Back Or Otherwise
“Confidence is just another word of “trust”: The very beautiful quality of humans to trust both external and internal factors, both possibilities and limitations, both good and bad, is the very sandbox of your own life, fate and destiny that you want to mould and pursue.” — September 2, 2005
“The decisions that I made… Is to love even more, is to trust even more, and to move even further. I choose to be someone that I wanted to be: And this is the journey of finding my true identity.” — September 2, 2005
“It a time when you stand in the middle of nowhere: One leads back where you came from, another probably would lead to a point of no return… and there’s no way to know the outcome.” — September 3, 2005
“However, at this point of time, I’m fully aware that people are actually reading this, and some of them are the most important and/or closest friends around me. And after Choon Hui’s incident, I’m fully aware how much power these words and expressed feeling can cause to others: those who are being the closest to me.” — September 3, 2005
“What should I do if a friend suddenly seem to act differently, as seem to keep a further distance with me?” (Extracted from a friends-only entry) — September 5, 2005
“One side of it, is much more of an “ideal” self — the self which contains all my own core… or probably the values I perceived to be ideal; another side of it, is much more of a “vulnerable” self — the self which contains all the desires and fears.” — September 25, 2005
Great, September’s entries are almost 90% impromptu and drifting thoughts post. So how am I suppose to base my comments on? ^_^|| But basically the essence of 2005 really lies within this month, as there’s a lot of entries that really reflects back on myself. … And even more shows my own emotions and feelings toward that special someone… probably one of the most vulnerable side of me, in a way.
And ever since August, I have been organizing and thinking about the concept of ego, fear and personal change and development. During that time, I have made a vow to myself to embrace the change that is much in my own life and intensify my search of my own path. Somehow at that point… I know that I can’t turn back any more.
At that time, I’m starting to working hard, not only the task and job on hand, but also to understand more about the meaning of life and love. Starting from that time, a lot of very intense feelings and thoughts came to me: Some so intense that it’s really hard to bear: like a flame burning in my heart. I find myself tearing down some of the old structures and past habits, most not because I want to, but the situation really made me aware that they are dragging me all this while.
And starting on that month, I’m starting to tag all my entries: well, to make it easier for myself and others to review and have a peek of what I have written in the past. Those tagged (except for LJ Spam of course :p) all holds a very strong importance to me. And I drew myself a new avatar, after around 3~4 years using the old one :).
I definitely need to bookmark the entries in this month: It’s really serves as a good reminder to me about a lot of things.
October 2005 - Starting Up
“… if everyone being an unique individual means that we need to recognize the fact that everyone is living in their own separate worlds: feeling happy when two uniqueness meet with friendliness and love, and be grateful when we part.” — October 8, 2005
“But generally it has been a great experience, does give me more exposure to the real world outside together with all its possible adventures and challenges.” — October 12, 2005
“…that more likely than not we are having alter egos, that one of them, the ego, was an identity built based on other people’s opinions and action; and the true self, which is essentially… well, who we are.” — October 22, 2005
After a very thoughtful September, October is more action packed where I was put on to the test.
First off is definitely the trip to Gua Tempurung (literally translated as Coconut Shell Cave), in which we (a few office friends and I) traversed inside a dark tunnel for several hours. Definitely a very adventurous trip. Then I got a testing task that I was required to go to a complete different environment from the office. Not to mention that it’s a challenge on its own during that time as I started to study something which is much harder than what I used to do before I do the testing.
At this time, I started to share some Osho articles on my LJ, partly because that I want to keep some of the good articles, another is that I really feel that his material is really worth reading and contemplate about. Later on, by sheer chance, I met a very long-lost online friend, Chi. 😄 And somehow his appearance is definitely very timely :), he’s still the kind person I know: Never fails to bring the spirit up with his kindness :).
During that time, I also continue to think about the human communication, fear and comfort zone issues: as they are very important and influential at that point of time. Other than that, it’s pretty much a very active month.
[:to be continued:] Finale: November & December 2005