July 2005 - Silent Progression
“But eventually as I find myself can’t even able to get rid of this pest from hindering my work, the frustrations get piled up to a point that I got extremely pissed off about it: The feeling is just like when there’s a fly buzzing around you. You know you can swat that fly, but this fly seems to show some cunningness as it avoid and dodges all your offensive attacks. Each and every time you miss it, the fly seems to grow in size, and yet no matter how hard you try, it just seems to find a way to buzz away from your attack… even worse, it seems to have fun at it as it flies around you with a sarcastic glee.” (Describing my debugging experience :p) — July 4, 2005
“Am I being my true self, or is it just a mere act on my part to reveal only the best in me?” — July 7, 2005
“A dream attained can get burst like a bubble, and yet the agony of emotional torture can also be blown away by a calming breeze.” — July 15, 2005
“At times like this, I’m still feeling the very same feeling of uneasiness: Of those of the fears getting out of one’s security zone,and of the excitement of the possibilities what change can bring.” — July 31, 2005
As said, the silent progression of July. If there’s a time when I’m kinda expecting a turning point in life, I guess it has to be in July, as I’m starting to growing up with the changes that came. I even predicted that the fourth chapter of my LJ is going to arrive at that time! I believe starting from that time, I didn’t feel much like typing long, repetitive journal entries, especially about my own working experience. I’m like… I only post some of the essence of my own personal life, and keep the trivial and routine stuff out from my journal.
During this moment in time, my own feelings came back for a revisit, which does give me some room to explore further. Somehow after these months of seeking closure, it did seem that I made it somehow :). Well… I think… 😛 But I do start to sense the internal changes in me, which basically sculpts, moulds and redefine who am I myself. And it’s still a work-in-progress.
Nothing much happened compared to August, it’s only me starting to pick up step aerobics and participating the Bon Odori festival for the first time :).
August 2005 - Embrace The Change
“… Just one of those small desires that I had… that I really wondered that I have the ability to attain… And the secret little box that stores it get close once again…” — August 2, 2005
“The event itself didn’t really excite me much, but it does make me feel like I have passed one important phase in life and remind me from where I have come from.” — August 4, 2005
“Reaching here, only I notice that there’s always a beginning and never an end. Like a constant flow, everything moves on at its own pace,never once leaving a trace, yet never once leaves without leaving an influence.” — August 9, 2005
“”What can a dead man do in the physical plane?” And that itself cause people to think that it’s an end, but this end is only a perception from the “living” person’s point of view but not of the “dead”” — August 11, 2005
“I just can’t have goals which has two ends at their polar opposites (or the old saying “You can’t have the best of both worlds”), and that I really have to understand the fact that taking one side of the road doesn’t mean that I’m rejecting or opposing the other.” — August 30, 2005
One of the most eventful months that I can ever remembered: period. 😊
It’s the first time I introduced the impromptu post format, which is originally meant for me to type very short titbits from my mobile phone, but later developed into drifting thoughts posts which only takes up less than 5 sentences. And later on I was so addicted to this format that the number of impromptu posts increased very rapidly. But probably it made my drifting thoughts sounded more cryptic? Hmm…
The actual first draft of the transition poem of the fourth chapter is written at this time (August 1, 2005), I knew from the beginning that the theme for it will be “The Awakening”, but apparently I haven’t reached to a stage that I can come up with a good poem to go with it. Looking back, I believe that I haven’t reach to that stage at that time, but I’m making progress towards that. But I did a quick review of my own progress at that time (August 20, 2005). Looking back, probably I have change a lot in terms of my own outlook and perception towards things? Well, that’s not for me to say anyway :p.
Speaking of which, August is also a month of thoughtfulness as I spent a lot of time thinking, revisiting and exploring issues that matters me the most as well as expanding my own mindset. A lot of events around me induces me to think a lot and writing these experience down gave me a glimpse of these developing ideas. As it progresses, I started to notice that my old structure is starting to break down: as dead branches are cut down to give way to the growth of what’s really important in my own life. There’s a lot of hurt and pain came with this change in me, and it wasn’t easy for me and from time to time I did wonder how I am able to bear with it. But as things started to unfold, I’m starting to understand that pain is very necessary in our own growth that we can’t avoid them.
And I believe that’s a ongoing process and journey for myself.
During this time as well… I started to develop interest and feelings towards a special someone (who I can’t name at this point of time): someone very close to me, yet very distanced from a certain standpoint. And this feeling, although one sided, it has gave me a lot of support and strength and opens up a different dimension for me to explore love, internal growth, trust and faith. Up until now, it was still a bumpy ride for me, and there are times when I get very depressed and down (mostly self-inflicted wounds due to negative thought associations)… but I’m still working hard on it. More on that in the next few months of the review.
In events, my convocation marks my official graduation from the university. It wasn’t emotionally impactful, but still thinking of what I have been through in university, I’m grateful that all the experiences I have been through, be it good or bad, have really enriched my life. If it weren’t these experiences, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And karaoke has started to become my hobby and interest, and it does seems that I’m starting to get very addicted to it :P. Also, I found myself getting a gym membership, which eventually marks the start of a very toned body (sexiness <3<3<3 :p).
I really don’t want to mention the haze though. Blegh…
[:to be continued:] September & October 2005