Today’s Drifting Thoughts: The Slumps

Not feeling well, emotionally, today. Or I should say that I feel pretty sucky today…

Truth to be told is that nothing upsetting really happening today… or more confusingly is that I don’t even feel any forms of negative emotions today. It’s just feels like… some sort of repressed emotions wanted to break itself free, but yet it just have itself… stuck there, unable to move anywhere at all.

Coming to think about it, it really reflects back a lot of feelings in the past: dreams and desires that never get fulfilled, occasions when I feel left out, rejected and ignored, helplessness, and the list goes on… A lot of them are pretty much psychological, or probably illusionary, fears. Somehow I just feel that… being human with desires, desires acts like a two-edged sword on its own: It can define what’s our wants and decisions, and yet it can also induce a psychological fear when we possess something that we hold dear of. By that, my term of “possession” refers to something that is not a matter of survival — of life and death, but of something that we perceive it to be the “best”, or something that we “loved” or “wanted” dearly — Something that we believe that will make us feel, say, good, wonderful, powerful or something that we… umm, desired for indirectly, from our own perspective.

That really remind me about the ego concept — that more likely than not we are having alter egos, that one of them, the ego, was an identity built based on other people’s opinions and action; and the true self, which is essentially… well, who we are.

…

OK, probably I’m just beating around the bushes.

Putting this into my own situational context, I just feeling pretty… well, insecure, in a way. Somehow I do wonder whether I’m really prepared for the mountain of responsibilities in my own personal life — as much as I know I can cope with them without much problems, and yet considering the fact that handling these task doesn’t give any sort of indication that whether I’m going in the right direction or not… I just feel kinda shaky. Just the thought of “Anything might happen” puts me in a internal turmoil — That the worst things may happen, and yet if I didn’t allow this change to occur I can’t find my blissfulness either.

Ah… That just the irony about change and adventure — As much I wanted the new and great to happen, yet sometimes I just shrink back because of the fear that it will definitely break my comfort zone.

…

I really don’t know what to say now actually… sometimes I just hate to see myself hiding at the backstage, just staring everything that I wanted so dearly. Now I really can’t see the fine line between respecting the rights and privacy or others and just being a plain coward of everything.

And I just hate seeing myself being so clueless and timid everytime I really liked/loved somebody.

[::Lifelog::] Just cleared up my room today. It’s like I haven’t cleaned it up in a month or so O_O”. Took me around 5 hours just to get the place back to normal.