Finaly I’m starting to take the first step: Making some decisions that I dare not make in the past. Subtle and invisible it is, but my steer of directions would impact my own personal life.
Probably I’ll be hurt, probably I’ll lose friends, probably I’ll be vulnerable… millions of negative possibilities might arise, challenge me in many ways. Probably I can make it, probably I won’t, probably I might chicken out, or probably I’ll lose everything… nobody can guarantee what’s going to happen.
In a way, I’m starting to allow myself to make mistakes… allowing a chance for myself to actually learn and grow, instead of shrink back to my old shell. As I started to notice that my nervousness and fear of achieving and getting what I wanted stems from the fear of losing them all in the end. Yes, I am afraid of losing: I’m afraid of falling down and getting hurt in the process, I’m afraid that someday I’ll either become unappreciative to what I have earned, I’m afraid that someday I’ll end up hating or being hated by the people I used to love the most, I’m afraid that I’ll lose the things that I treasure… a lot more possibilities, a lot more fear that I’m starting to get extremely overwhelmed.
Therefore, I find myself: running away from the very things that I desired for the most…
It’s time, that I needed to take the very first step to face life as it is. It’s time, that I should be holding back. It’s never going to be easy, as I know and experienced that at this very moment. A lot of lifelong goals seems to be very far away from me beyond reach, that I feel lost at times.
The decisions that I made… Is to love even more, is to trust even more, and to move even further. I choose to be someone that I wanted to be: And this is the journey of finding my true identity.