Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Schizophrenia

Two opposing thoughts, fighting for attention at times when a situation that triggers a strong emotion arises.

One side of it, is much more of an “ideal” self — the self which contains all my own core… or probably the values I perceived to be ideal; another side of it, is much more of a “vulnerable” self — the self which contains all the desires and fears.

Putting myself into the social circle and an exposure to alternatives and opportunities, it really puts me in a shocking situation, as I notice two completely different personalities rising in me, fighting to take control. The internal is completely calm, telling me that I have the power to make the best decisions; yet my external reaction seems wanting to scream and shout, the insecurities rushed into my instincts to run away without caring whether I’m completely nuts or what. (Of course that intensed feeling is kept under tight control, of course)

That feeling really makes me feel like… I have been living not as one person, but several under different personalities. Perfectly calm when things are all smooth sailing, getting all reactive and hysterical when I feel everything is in chaos; be really independent and be in control when I was left completely alone, yet feeling all inferior and powerless among people.

It’s really like… all the while I talk about all my core values and beliefs: of inner strength, the power of being aware of one’s perceptions, staying true to oneself, trying to get hold of your own dreams and goals, that love doesn’t have any boundaries… it only seems to be exercised by myself when I feel I’m in my own comfort zone. When I find myself that was outside the bounds of that comfort zone, I panicked… forgetting all these life’s maxim while by right (or at least, in the ideal situation) this is the greatest opportunity to stretch one’s ability and see how I can go to train and cultivate these values further. It really makes me feel like… I’m not living up to my own standards: that I still have double standard in my own self.

Time and time again, I’m only avoiding issues… or probably people in general. That in a way I really suck in human communications because I’m so shy and insecure being around with people, feeling all defensive and hurt when things doesn’t goes the direction I wanted. Somehow the comments “You seems that you keep your thoughts to yourself” and “you seem to be like talking, but not engaging in a conversation” kinda struck me now… that it seems that barriers are already in place.

As much as I say that I don’t have any regrets up to this point, yet I’m just feeling… devastated. The whole internal structure has been shaken up to the point that I know that everything is going to collapses someday… or probably even today. Is it that I’m too logical in the past? Or is it that I’m getting to emotional lately (observing how many “feel” I have typed in this entry… or probably even in my LJ) Somehow I the word “feel” doesn’t really express my actual “feelings”, only my “perception” or even “interpretation” of my own emotions.

Is it that I don’t have any trust in people? Or is it that I don’t trust myself to maintain my own integrity and individuality?

Is it my lack of discrimination makes me feel all vulnerable and insecure? Or is it that all my discrimination is actually suppressed that makes me perceive that I don’t discriminate?

Now… what is my actual goal…? Is it to expand my horizon and knowledge? Is it to be successful in life? Is it to have a wonderful social life? Is it to be able to live life to the fullest? … Is it something else… Or is it all of the above?

In a way, I really lost sight of myself: Not knowing which is my true self and which is only a by-product of social conditioning. That I don’t know whether the external stimuli and human feedback to me now is a reality or part of social conditioning…?

…

Am I thinking too much? Is all this random pondering all worth to be thought into that much of detail…? Or is it that I’m too concious with other people’s comment (or in another light: Am I too concerned with how others perceive me)?

… Or is it just an egoistic inquisition that will be worthless in the end…?