Somehow all this while as much as I’m living all fine and dandy on the outset, there’s still a lot of small emotional ripples that surfaced like raindrops falling on a silent pond. The issues of love and insecurities are still one of the greatest concerns at this point of life as I find myself casting self-doubt: fearing that things will turn out to be worse than it should be.
My horoscope of today did trigger my usual habit of pondering:
“It’s not until you get the relationship issues out in the open that you have any hope of defining them, which is an essential first step to clearing them up. Dwelling on these may not be fun, but what you learn more than justifies the effort”
Just after reading this, a sudden surge of defensiveness seems to bubble out from nowhere: I understand that it is important that I should be more open in telling and dealing with my relationship issues, but the question is HOW? Being in an Asian country where alternative sexuality (OK, probably I should have termed it as “homosexuality” to be precise, but I believe that a general term would be much better, considering the fact that I still consider myself bisexual) is still shun upon by the society, trying to get out of the closet as easy as it sounds. OK, probably it’s not anywhere easier in Western countries as well, but that’s not the point that I would want to argue here. How am I suppose to be open about it with the current situation I had? Should I just go around to the people close to me and suddenly make a grand confession that I’m possibly gay because I’m a bisexual? That’s going to be utter nonsense if you’d to ask me.
But then again, it just strike me as an irony that, despite what the current situation may be, I would really wanted understanding regarding my own sexuality by the very people who are around me. I really don’t like the feeling of denying myself every single time I’m trying hard to supress my feelings. But I have to do just that in order to ensure that I don’t want to spark any unwanted drama by sticking something “hard-to-swallow” (by the perception of the society, that is) in their throats.
At this time, I have to admit that I still missed Choon Hui lots (as much my clinginess towards him have already faded away); I have to admit the fact that I have been having crushes on some of my closest male friends, but I just have to tone my feelings down to a great degree in fears that I’ll be alienated if I were to make my moves suddenly. None of them is easy, in fact that I’m feeling like I’m waging war with a baby in my arms: feeling restricted but yet I still have to protect what’s extremely important in my own hands. As much I know the fact that it’ll end some day or the other, I’m feeling so anxious about it as it seems like it’s an endless battle.
Anyway, I think I better stop here so that I can start my work now.