Signs of Being Emo

For the whole day I have been feeling totally emo-ish, or probably even bipolar, as I find my mood swings from side to side like a pendulum. For some reasons unknown to me, all of a sudden my own identity has suddenly lost:losing all my sense of presence and purpose. It’s really hard to describe this feeling: A feeling of where every single thought and emotion seem to be opposing each other. It feels like emptiness, but it feels like there’s still something; it doesn’t feel like happiness, and yet it doesn’t feel like sadness either; It feels extremely heavy that it feels so hard to move on, and yet my energy levels and my pace of activity is saying otherwise; it feels like as if I’m moving around, yet I have no idea whether I’m moving forward and backward… I really feeling like crying, but it just seems that my tears can’t seem to flow out from my eyes.

I started to question myself, what the purpose of my own life? What do I want to achieve? What do I really want? All of a sudden I can’t seem to find these answers, as seems as these questions the questions seems so… alien to me. As seems that my own perspective in life and the reality surrounding me is starting to draw parallels, making me feel like someone lost in another dimension. During that time, I really feel as if everything around me seems like an illusion that doesn’t exists…

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But after a while, when I’m feeling the internal turmoil that stirs so badly inside that I’m seeking some sort of escape, there’s just one girl sitting beside me, smiling to me in such an innocent manner. This girl is about 5 years old, and she’s just beside her family as we are all waiting for the shuttle bus to arrive. The parents seems very occupied to feed the her baby brother, and this little girl just look around and smile to whoever met her eyes. At first I tried to avoid the eye contact, as I really don’t want to let her see me cry if I ever do. But her presences really captivates me that I just can’t resist not to put my eyes on her once in a while, as if I’m playing a peeking game with her. And when I do, she seems to do some really funny faces that really bring the smile out of me as all my sorrows seems to disappear.

Now I’m back at home, trying to rest as much as I could. Somehow that feeling is still there, but I’m feeling much better now. I really wished that I knew where my true happiness is, but now I’m feeling as if I’m walking in the dark with no light guiding my way. But I still believe and have faith that I’m able to find it, no matter how hard it will be. I guess this will be a test of determination as I fight with my own insecurities and fear…