Today’s Drifting Thoughts: When The Mind Is Drawing A Blank

For the past few days, I was really busy going out there doing things, something pretty different from what I usually do actually.

Just to give some sort overview of what’s happening, basically I have been mixing around with more people. Well… technically I wouldn’t say that I know them for the first time, as these people are my class/course mates all the while, but I would say that this is the first time that I actually go out with them. Personally I find this as something different from what I would usually do, but just that I just felt the urge… well, you know, getting to mix around with more people. And to be honest, I think that’s pretty much a welcoming change in terms of my own lifestyle, really.

But somehow I’m having this sort of a funny feeling that I can’t really explain. It’s like… well, thinking about it, I have been in this university for two years already, and as much as I did make friends during my study, I didn’t seem to actually know them personally or actually mix or go out with them. And it’s like… only now, at this point of time when everyone of us will not be together as often as we used to be in university, am I a little bit late to actually mix with them and get to know them personally? Honestly speaking, I wouldn’t say that I really enjoyed myself totally when I mixed around with these friends, in fact I really find myself in an awkward situation. Really, sometimes I really get the feeling of being left out or something as I didn’t seem to be able to participate in the conversation and understand the in-jokes and other stuff.

As much as I understand my own position and I should accept the fact that it’d take a much longer time for me to actually get more engaged with these people, the feeling of isolation can sometimes really overwhelm me that I do feel discouraged to carry on. But thinking about it, I don’t really mind being an outcast of sorts (OK, maybe I do mind as I can’t feel “isolated” if I didn’t) and I would really want to be friends with them instead of just being a mere acquaintance. However as I am saying this, somehow thoughts just came to me as if it were obstacles towards attaining that: That I don’t really able to fit into a group setting of more than 3-4 persons, that there’s some sort of a gap when it comes to interests and hobbies (as in I personally don’t really enjoy some much popular activities such as football/soccer or pop music; and not much people are aware of the things that I do like such as Eurobeat music or perhaps even reading), that I don’t really care much about gossips (since my memory for names is extremely bad and personally I don’t see the purpose of that)… and so on and so forth. As much as I believe that the uniqueness between people is what would make friendship interesting, but then again, it’s 10 times more challenging to get to know our friends better when there aren’t much in common.

Writing up to this point, somehow I am wondering myself though: Even if my intentions to know these people better are genuine and of good intentions, however am I trying too hard to fit in to the point that I’m rushing it? Somehow thinking back, I did find myself indirectly being aggressive in trying to bridge that gap sooner sometimes, I really wondered whether that really intimidated people? Or probably I’m just being impatient to a point that I disillusioned myself?

I think I better stop here as I really wanted to sleep now…

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Just before that, a recap of what happened: - Went to the pub with my classmates at midnight after my last paper - I finally finished with what’s required for my job, and so I’ll be reporting for work next Tuesday 😊 - I got myself a new pair of headphones, as rubber enclosure of the earpiece has fallen off with my old pair and I don’t really find it comfortable to wear it with the cotton wrapping - Been going out with Raymond and the gang for some Warcraft III: dotA action lately, and boy it was fun :). - … and the downside of all this is a major cash outflow this week :(.

I’ll be busy today and tomorrow as there’s still things for me to settle. As much the workload for this week is definitely killing me, but it’s all worth it, not to mention that the whole week is packed with a lot of things that I’m looking forward to :). I’ll post updates as soon as it occurs :).