Today’s Drifting Thoughts: When Being Alone Can Be Hard To Bear

Somehow today is just one of those days when I really feel extremely vulnerable, as my desire to seek for warmth starts to tingle from time to time.

Yet I just came to question this feeling: That whether this feeling is a real need, or simply just a physical desire? In a way I found that this question can sound really stupid, and yet from another perspective it isn’t. Thinking about it, I know I needed a love that I can cherish, and I know that I’m not in a really hurry to get myself attached. After all, I don’t want to love for the sake of finding one, not to mention that I’m not really the kind who wants to play around in it.

Yet during these times, I really hunger for physical touch, and from time to time I just find myself touching myself, cuddling stuff, leaning on various soft objects. Not to mention that I kept on imagining that that I was by someone’s side. Probably I just want some sense of security in the short term? But I’m wondering… whether I’m sending myself a wrong message? Being in love does give people a sense of security, but that sense of security may not necessary be love.

Somehow I’m starting to get confused myself in one way or the other. It’s like, is my current desire for touch stems from my own emotional wish for a love? Or does it just a by-product of my own sexual desires? Or probably is it both? Or is it something else…? And related to this question, how do you define when sexual fantasies (regardless of degree of content and/or intensity) is good or bad?

… And just for no apparent reason, I’m starting to question my sexuality as well, despite the fact that I really don’t know why I would want to ask myself in the first place… Is leaving my options open to both sexes also equates to the fact that I open a whole big can of worms? After all, in the end, I believe that my life partner can only be one and not both… Uh… wait… Is this a sex/physical issue or a love issue?

I think I’ll stop here now. Probably my dire want (not needs, mind you) for short term physical closeness is starting to mess up my mind. If that’s the case, I guess I’m starting to have more challenges ahead of me.