Today’s Drifting Thought (Part II): When Feelings Start to Flood Back

[:: Update: Honestly speaking I really wonder whether I should have put this as friends-only or not… I really hope that my decision of putting this up on public is the right thing to do, as much I know how risky this is… ::]

One of the main reasons that I’m so excited this week is that I get to spend time with Choon Hui for almost the whole week, as much everything have to deal with school’s stuff and I really hoped that I can get some good, personal and private time with him (as much I know how hard this is for me to achieve).

And it’s kind of good that he has pretty much be in good terms with me, although he does seem to isolate himself from me when we were to be in the same group setting.

At this point I’m having a mixed bag of feelings, mostly extremely contrasting… and honestly I just feel that I’m just being a little bit hopeless as I still find myself liking him a lot up until now.

… I really don’t know whether this is a good thing or not. And now I really feel kinda envious with some people (gay or bisexual people that I know in real life) who can engage in extremely close (or probably intimate) physical contact without giving a damn to what the onlookers think and whether the other party (regardless of sexuality) being involved would like it or not.

And honestly speaking, I can’t do it myself. I can’t do it myself without at least making sure that the other party wouldn’t mind me doing so. I can’t do it myself out of respect towards to other party. All these times I have tried very hard to restrain my urge because of this utmost respect I give everyone who exist: that I’ll not do anything against one’s will unless necessary.

However, it just came to me that… is it really that important for me to do something right, even though if that very act is hurting myself?