Today’s Drifting Thoughts: The Future Ahead

#1:

Somehow these days are still a lot of thesis work… well… seeing that the due date is coming around the corner. I’m getting a bit worried with my work as I do it, I wonder whether was that perfectionism, or am I really worried? Because knowing my personality, I just have that gung-ho attitude which seems to get a lot of excitement for getting things done during the very last minute (and I DO mean that get the most of the work done at the VERY last minute). And I believe I just came to a point like I’m wearing myself out because of that.

Honestly speaking, if I were to manage myself better, most probably I should have finish my work extremely early so that I don’t have to worry about it at all later. But then it just seems that I kept on repeating it, just because it seems that I’m “addicted” to the “kicks” it gave me, which I believe is not really a good thing. And thinking about it, what do I get in the end? Does the unnecessary stress really worth the trouble? Personally I just can’t see the worth of doing it, as I have notice that quality of my own work is going down to a point that I’d say that they suck. As much people have been telling me that my work has been great all the while, I just can’t seem to convince myself that my work is actually good because they just doesn’t seem to reach my own (perhaps overly) high standards that I have set for myself.

Looking at my own work for my final year project, it just seems that my work is more of a disappointment to me. Well, I know what I’m doing now have a much higher level of difficulty compared to most of my peers (as my work is heavily based on another master’s thesis, but then again, the paper is like… 5 years ago?), but it justs seems to fall extremely short from my own expectations. Honestly speaking, I was wondering whether is it that I’m pushing myself too hard? But looking back, it just seems that I’m slacking too much instead (as in I played more than I have actually worked… I believe it works out to a margin like 80:20?).

So if I feel so bad about spending way too much time fooling around, why I just force myself to gather enough willpower to change that… instead of ranting this all over my LJ (which is EXACTLY what I’m doing now)?

#2:

And so I’ll be graduating in two months time. Personally I have been having quite a lot of self doubt actually as much as I believe that everything has been pretty much settled. It’s like, I know I’ll be getting a job offer and I’ll be starting to earn my own living starting from May; I know that even if I don’t get my job offer, I standing a better chance in getting another job with the qualifications I had; or even I never get a job after my graduations, I’ll always have my parents to fall back to, or I might as well spend some time getting some rest after all I have been through: But still… I’m still not feeling confident enough myself that I’m going to cope with what’s coming in the future.

Personally speaking, even if I never got a job, I originally had plans to continue my studies overseas. But looking at my current situation… it just seems that I have lost almost all my motivation to continue to study. Well… I know that it’s temporary, but then again… it’s like… I don’t know, I just feel like putting my study plans aside for a while. It’s like… I would like to take a break from studies after all I have been through.

…

I think I’ve think too far away in time, worrying too much about everything which had never happened yet. But then, the anxiety is really killing me…

Maybe I would as well focus on my final year project and getting it done. And I really hoped that the job offer letter gets in my mailbox sooner… or never (if that’s a viable possibility).

[:: offtopic ::] Speaking of anxiety, my Tora Tora Tora album haven’t arrived yet :(. It’s like I’m fretting all these little matters, especially after I notice that my album is sent using SAL, which is usually slower than normal airmail.

Probably I’m thinking of buying Guilty Gear X Heavy Rock Tracks as a present once I got my project done.