Today’s Drifting Thoughts: 冷たい (adj: Cold)
Due to the rain, the atmosphere around is pretty cold throughout the whole day. Everything seems to be pretty cloudy the whole day, but not gloomy at all. Looking at the clouds themselves… they seems to look like some sort of a silk blanket covering the whole sky.
Somehow this kind of weather pretty reflect on my own emotions now. It’s like… not really positive, but it wasn’t being close to negative as well. Just feeling a bit cold…
As much as today is pretty busy day for me, well, being around with people and stuff, it just seems that I can’t stop feeling… alone, even when I’m among friends. What really interest me was the fact that… this feeling of aloneness doesn’t feel positive, but doesn’t feel negative as well. The feeling is just… there, like some person sitting around the corner in my heart, just watching, observing.
Pretty much the whole day I’m feeling a bit cold, inside and out… It’s not extremely cold, by the way… just cold enough to make you wish to seek warmth. Probably it wasn’t a big deal actually, it’s like… that degree of coldness can be easily remedied by getting a hot drink or by simply rubbing my palms, but it hard not to feel a bit weak while I’m feeling alone. You know… it’s like… it’s not really a big deal at all, I can handle the cold, just that… at times like this, the inner kid in me seems to hope that someone would keep myself warm at all times.
Is this over dependence? Is this immaturity? Or is it just being… human?
Thinking about it, aren’t we raised up this way? It’s like, when we are a small child, we will be totally dependent of our parents. Then later on in life when we grow up, we’ll go through a phase we have to learn how to be independent, whether we like it or not. But as we walk through our passage in life, the burdens we carry gets heavier and heavier during some times, and we just sometimes feel… helpless. Probably some of us would have experience escapism of some sort: trying to avoid problems, hoping that problems will go away by itself, hoping that somebody who is stronger will be able to enter into our lives and get rid of these problems effortlessly.
… Obviously, we all know sitting there doing nothing will not help in anyway. But then again… sometimes we are just fragile creatures, always hoping for the painless way in doing everything (or perhaps we can say that we always trying to walk the path of least resistance, even though the path leads to a disastrous end). And sometimes when we try to do something to solve it, sometimes it always seems hard to get up after a defeat…
…
Up to this point, “Inner Strength” always seems to resound in me. But sometimes it just seems so abstract that I really didn’t seem to get the hang of the source of strength. But something just seems to tell me that… someday, I’ll start to realize the power of that source of strength and be able to achieve the greatest good for myself and the people around me. All I need to do now… is to keep on with my journey into the unknown…
[:: side notes ::]
- Hmm… first actual drifting thought of the year. Guess I still have a lot of questions on top of my head waiting to be answered.
- Somewhat I felt that… my main source of warmth seems to be diminishing… or probably is getting further and further away from me… or probably… I’m starting to gain my own glow…
- Nuage’s Still Love seems to strike me a lot. Well, honestly it’s like it has totally swept me away when I first heard it through PPN2. Anyway~ The lyrics:
Still Love / Nuage
You’re gonna get me as you want me boy
Just take a chance
Take my hand give me your hand
You’re killing me so softly with your eyes
Don’t tell me lies
Put your eyes into my eyes
I believe…is you
You light my fire
I wanna fall in love
Listen to me
Still love
Baby I’m gonna get your call
You fall into my world
Still love
‘Cause you know how much I love you
I will be your magic
I’m gonna call you baby one more time
Beat of your heart let me know how gettin’ love
I wanna tell you boy, I will be there
Don’t close your eyes
Look at me don’t be so shy
sigh I wished that I knew any better than I’m having now ._.”