Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Because of You

This will be a bit short for a drifting thought, but I suppose it’ll work as well, as I don’t feel like talking a lot today.

It just happens to me… OK, probably not just me, because I read it over someone’s LJ which made me thought about this, that… sometimes… why is it that… when it comes with dealing issues with the people who are the closest (be it friend, family or a love), it’s much more easier for us to avoid the person as a resolution to a problem…? Why is it that we always think that everything will be the best for everyone if we never entered into the picture into the first place…?

Reflecting this on myself… this is what I’m doing right now: Thinking that not entering into Choon Hui’s circle would be the best for him and myself. But in the end… is the hurt and pain all worth it? Ever since the day that incident had happened… I feel as if there’s already a void in me where all the wind blows cold into my heart. As much I’m happy to see him being all fine and dandy (at least on the outset) without my existence, but is it OK to let myself to be in pain for the sake of this?

Sometimes I do wonder whether is it my pains or what I believe is the best is only an illusion…?

Listening to Ayumi’s Because of You again… and it just seems that the lyrics suddenly take a totally different meaning. I used to associate with anger, but listening to it now… the feeling is just… different…

Because of You / Ayumi Hamasaki

(Source: http://ayumi.primenova.com/lyrics/becauseofyou.htm)

*My eyes met yours again, we talked a little
My heart throbbed and I hid my feelings behind a smile
As I was afraid I might not be able to go back to the times
When I had not known you

The wind has already gotten cold
Laughing voices fill the air with white breath
It may be because of the winter
That I feel like crying for nothing

I remember that night when we first met even now

* (repeat)

We have come to know each other little by little
But suddenly I find I know nothing about you
Please tell me what you feel by the time I understand it
You can even shout

My love grew when we couldn’t meet
My heart ached because my voice didn’t reach you
I found I couldn’t go back to the times
When I had not known you

Please don’t smile with such sorrowful eyes
As if you were about to be broken and disappear
What can I do, my dear?

My love grew when we couldn’t meet
My heart ached because my voice didn’t reach you
I find I can’t go back to the times
When I didn’t know you

Why sometimes I can’t say honestly?
Why sometimes I can’t be tender?
Why sometimes we hurt each other?
Why sometimes we check each other?
Why sometimes my heart aches so much
Why always my heart goes out to you?
I can’t think of anyone but you
I can’t think of anyone but you

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Please tell me… that all is but an illusion… (Crap… if this continues then I’ll be singing Ayu… nonstop with extremely fitting songs)

Please tell me… where am I standing in your heart…

I think I have to go now… Ja ‘ne!