Today’s Drifting Thoughts: My Story — Finale: forgiveness

My Story by ayumi hamasaki - Part II

[Note: basically it’s a summary of events which I feel was really relevant and I try to keep as much detail preserved as possible without getting myself into typing a 200 page novel. All names are, in most cases, real, since I really don’t feel like hiding them. But I also try to preserve as much anonymity as possible, with respect to those people.

The main reason why I use real names is that… there’s just a lot of words that I wished them to hear but I’m just too afraid to tell them… and I believe through writing is the only way that I’m able to express it out. I don’t know whether all the people which get highlighted in the story will read it… but… I respect their decision, and if any hurt has to be made, I’ll be responsible for all the outcome that will be caused by this entry itself.]

Finale: forgiveness

“もっと誰もが愛を守るためだった”

“Motto dare mo ga ai o mamoru tamedatta”

“Believe that everyone is (living) for the benefit of protecting love”

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Honestly… writing all these has pretty much covered my story from the past until now… which I believe is the most important period of the year in which that did change my perspective in a lot of things. All the while the answers that I have seeked in the past seems to reveal to me bit by bit: confirming some of my own views while modifying those which aren’t true.

It’s until today that I notice myself going into the same cycle again… the very same cycle that I have been through after Bean moved away. It’s like… I really know that I don’t want to fall into the same depression that I have been through in the past, but then looking at myself during the past few months it seems that my overdwelling towards the love that I can’t own seems to get me back to the same cycle again.

This… is really something that I really don’t want to see it happening again. Guess afterall we do learn from experience and mistakes.

Being with Erika and the gang tonight seems to make me realise that everything will still go on its own pace, irregardless whether you decided to move on or just stay there.

And guess that through this I’m starting to remember that there’re things worth fighting for, and that I’m starting to understand… about love. Through the very people that I have loved before, I’m starting to remember the very important things that I thought I have left during my childhood days.

Probably I believe I’ll still be feeling down for quite some time, that I’ll be alone for quite some time… But through them I’m starting to learn how to forgive… not of others but to forgive oneself. Perhaps not immediately… but I’m sure that it’ll be a slow process: one small step at a time…