Today’s Drifting Thoughts: When Time Is The Greatest Risk Factor

… In continuity of my midnight post, basically everything is OK now since we came to a conclusion (at least the conclusion that inferred) is that there’s just a lot of misunderstanding between us.

But considering how much damage I have done… now I was asked to think really carefully… about whether to continue it… or stop it completely…

As much I know what my first impulse decision is, I was asked to think carefully… really carefully. Because it is an important decision for both of us.

Honestly… this is the hardest decision I have to make thus far.

It’s been quite some time I have been putting much thought into it… ever since the beginning. … A lot of things, actually…

There’s just a lot of thoughts, floating in my brain… trying to putting together the puzzle: My own feelings, the situation and environment revolving around us, her feelings and needs, the fairness issue…

There’s… just too much things to consider… yet so little time.

If there’s anything I knew… both of us… are hurt… in one way or the other… a love for something so deep that it cuts deep into the heart… Note that I mentioned “something” here instead of “someone”… for that “thing” can be sought from many places, which might not necessarily have to be human, but can be seek from relationships and bond with something.

A love for the important thing in life.

If there’s anything that I believe I knew (notice the believe word there)… it seems that I can’t fulfill what she needs and wants now… and conversely… I can’t seem to find what I need and want from this relationship…

Hence tension builds… and causing the pain.

But then again… if we only thought of our own needs and desires… wasn’t that selfishness…? Or is it… perfectly normal? Where’s the balance…?

What intrudges me is that… it’s not that I’m unhappy or anything… I’m perfectly content and happy with what I had now… and yet… I’m just unsure… unsure of what do I really need… deep down.

…

Looking back at the two options, I believe the key point here is “time”… basically it just needs a bit time… for both of us to understand each other even better… However… that time given between us also carries a greater risk factor: It might cause even more pain to Erika… It’s only until yesterday that I know and understand… how much pain and hurt it’ll bring to her…

And now I had two values in conflict… I just… want to care for her… but I were to continue… there’s a chance I’ll bring more pain to her… If I were to end it… I will have to cut off all my care for her, which hurts me even more…

As much as I hate to admit it… I really don’t want to be seen as a person who plays with other peoples feelings, directly or indirectly… because by any chance… I have no intent to do so in the first place.

To taint the full trust a person had for another on purpose…

…

All I can say now is that… we are definitely polar opposites between each other… And to carry this responsibility means that I can’t avoid making a crucial decision… which… I can’t decide now…