Unleashing What Used To Be Supressed, Forgive What Used To Be Unforgiven

Yesterday, one of my best friends, Kang Jun just drop by for a visit. The weather for that evening isn’t too uplifting, with drizzling rains showering over the earth while we are walking back to my house.

And it kept raining… seemingly to signify some sort of unknown sorrows.

Back home, we talked a lot: friends back in our hometowns, life in general, all the boring things that we learned at school… As much as the conversation goes, I just seem to feel a bit odd. It seems something is… just being in me, yet I can’t seem to comprehend. And yet, this feeling has been with me for quite some time, being there for so long that I’m getting used to it: an acceptance of an unknown thought for the sake of taking the short-termed, less painful path, without evaluating whether it’s good for me or not.

Then… in midnight, that’s when our conversation went really deep… really deep I seem to react unconsciously, but not once responding. Kang Jun kept on telling me there’s just something wrong: I’m thinking way too much… starting to talk things in two extreme thoughts which can’t be mixed together. And there’s just me… trying to defend myself that nothing’s wrong with my line of thought.

My mind during that time is totally blank… no, that would not be appropriate, my mind is still operating, but yet… I just can’t seem to differentiate anymore, I just can’t seem to understand the logic behind my own reactions, I just can’t seem to… think anymore. It seems that the core of my problems is just…. deep down… somewhere, and yet I can’t seem to identify what is it anymore.

I know it exists, but I don’t know what is it anymore… or more like I used to know what is it, but I have been trying to forget it so much that I made myself unable to identify what is it. I have been supressing that thing… for so long, that my heart knows what it is, but my mind kept on refusing to know what it is. They say that the mind and the heart doesn’t speak in the same language, or even refused agreed on anything: They are just… so different, as much they are in the same body.

And later on… I just can’t take it anymore… the arguement between two is so strong that I can’t take it anymore. It’s just seems to be an unconscious process: What has been supressed just seems to explode out from me… as much even now I’m unable to identify what I have been supressing so far.

…

I cried… so hard, although I just don’t know the reason: I just don’t know why, it’s just seems that something so heavy has been taken off from my shoulder, and Kang Jun is just there… to comfort me. He started to ask me a lot of questions, I just closed my eyes… trying to find answers… deep down.

“Why are you crying?”…

…“I’m… afraid… Just fearing something… something that I really don’t know of.”

Up until now… I thought I was tough, but in reality… I’m just so fragile… so vulnerable… I thought I’m the only person who is able to understand myself the most, but in reality… I don’t know anything. I thought I have put my past behind and not looking back anymore, but in reality, I’m still carrying that burden… and acted as if it wasn’t there.

…

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Today, 2:30pm, I parted with Kang Jun, as he says that he have to go back home. I’m just glad… to have him as a friend. 11 years, a number which I thought that I have forgotten.

I felt much better after this, it seems that I’m starting to let go… to forgive something in the past… knowing that I have been supressing something… for so long, it poisons my own being. I just feel that… when something has to be expressed, it just have to go out. Keeping them in will only make it stale, make it rotten… and sooner or later, it’ll affect you in the end.

… It seems that I still have a long journey to go… not knowing where I’m heading to now. But that doesn’t matter anymore… I know I’ll be able to get through all obstacles… and I know perfectly well what I wanted in life: No expectations, only seeking for it.

[:: sidenote::]

Most of you might have notice a lot of gaps here and there, but that doesn’t really matters. Often times, there’s just things that has to be kept private, hope you understand.