Today’s Drifting Thoughts: How Do You Measure Your Degree of Love for Someone?

Just to clarify a thing or two before I start this entry (because I believe without this information, it would be really hard for anyone to comprehend this entry is going to be about): Currently I’m in a relationship (OK, for those who has their jaw dropped, just keep it that way for now), and now I’m currently with Erika.

… (OK, for those who have their jaws dropped, you can keep them up now before I continue with my entry).

Anyway, I have kept this out from my LJ due to the fact that there might be some bashers still around reading my stuff. And for some reasons (karma or whatever crap), I’m pretty much always involved in short-lived relationships. But I believe that this is the right time to put it up, whatever ending it might ensue.

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OK… for today’s entry…

I just spare you the details of what happened, I just think I would just post up what I feel… before, during and after what had happened today. If you have read up to this point, I’m just happy as that: Having someone who really cared and who would listen what I have to say thus far. As much as I can’t control your reading behaviour, I just hope that… you’ll read everything, from the start to the end of this entry… Then whatever you do, it’s your choice.

So… to start with… I just feel stupid… really stupid. Not just myself, but some of my close friend whom I know. I don’t know… it’s just stupid… I have seen… and experienced many things, either those which happened to myself and those observed from others.

Why is it that people would want to give others chances while closing it would be much more easier? Why is it that people would keep a really open heart to others while closing it would be less painful? Why is it that people would still love somebody who is impossible while taking everything back would be much more pleasant?

I have been seeing people, being hurt… in pain and in vain… great people, mind you, those who does deserve the best from this world. Sometimes I just can’t seem to understand, why people would be so stupid to keep themselves wide open: letting everybody to see how vulnerable you are.

Is this insecurity and naiveness…? Or is it something else…?

Why is it that people would close every single door from the people who loves you the most while love will bring extreme joy? Why is it that people would keep a their hearts closed away while experiencing life is the best thing in the whole wide world? Why is it that people would take every effort they have poured into someone they used to love while this is the very nutrients to make you grow?

And yet I have been seeing people… walking away, avoiding… to them, it just seems that when people… great people in fact, when they sense that someone would want to be intimate… they would just act as if that it doesn’t exists, trying to avoid… trying to detach themselves…

Do they just want to be alone…? Or they are trying to hide something… deep down…?

Why people… can be so stupid…?

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Erika did posed me a really tough question that I can’t really answer, although she didn’t state that question, but the question that suddenly came to me was… “How do you measure your degree of love for someone? How to you rank the people that you love?”… Honestly, that really kept me stumped… but I guess the best answer I can come up is… You can’t: This is something really inquantifiable… because the love for every single person, irregardless he/she is a friend, a family member, an acquaintance or a lover, is totally different. It’s something that you can’t use one bar of standards and say whom you liked the most. When you loved somebody… you just love him/her. That’s the bottomline!

And honestly, I really don’t understand the latter group of people: People who would have avoid the whole relationship thing and acted as if they don’t care about it. OK, as much I have to admit in the real world, there’s a lot of complications behind all relationship. But then again… those people just seemed like… ostriches to me: Don’t they EVER realised how much effort it took for someone to love you? Don’t they ever think of how much pain and joy they had brought into the other person’s life? Can’t they at least respect and acknowledge the love that has been given to them? Is it really necessary to cut everything away?

The reason why I accepted the relationship with Erika… is not that I really want her to heal my wounds… I just… liked her for who she is. I don’t care how it ends… I don’t care what will happen next… and don’t get me started with measurements and ranks, I just don’t care: All I’m concerned about is to see her happy… And not only her, to all the people whom I loved and concerned… I would really want to see you happy as well, that all that matters.

I just can’t bear seeing tears today… because I can’t bear to see tears of my own as well.

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To Bean Chan, I’m sorry for my own immaturities in the past… I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you… I’m sorry that I broke my promise… that I’d be your best friend… I wish I’ll be given another chance, to fulfill my promise.

To Sue Ching, I’m sorry that all the while I have kept all my feelings to myself… I don’t you that well, but I just hope that you’ll understand. I wished that I’ll be able to know you better.

To Choon Hui… you know I loved you the most, for you have given me the greatest strength the change my life. I don’t expect you to treat me like before… but I just hope… I just hope, that I’m able to be by your side when you need me the most. I wish that you’ll understand that deep down in my heart, you are the most important friend I had.

To Erika, just want to take this chance to tell you that I love you, you know I do… because I cared for you. Sorry if I had been an insensitive brat who doesn’t care for your feelings, I just hope that you understand that you have a unique place in my heart.

Finally, last but not least, to Steven, I still remembered the time that you told me that “To love somebody, you have to love them 100%: No more, no less… and no reservation.” I still can’t make it out what you had said… but I’m starting to understand… And that has been what I’m trying to do all the while, to all I loved: family, friends, crushes and lovers.

Guess that’s all I have to say. Won’t be updating my LJ tomorrow, since I’ll be off for work. But I promise that I’ll update it whenever I had the chance to do so.

Ja ‘ne (with love)!