It’s Only Today That I Knew…

2nd friends-only thread… as a continuity of the previous one.

Only today I notice that I didn’t really want him: I need him… a lot. I thought I’m able to handle the days without him, but in reality that was my greatest fear: Something that I can’t confront no matter how hard I tried. I only notice that even I can’t be with him, I can’t risk losing him as a great friend… I only notice that how depressed I was if I ever lose him… or think about the possibilities of it.As much I say that I’m a Plan B person (since nothing planned seems to go right for me, there’s always bound to be something going really wrong anyway), this is the first time ever that I felt so helpless in a crisis.

I’m so scared when I can’t get through his handphone… I’m so scared that I really want to cried… but I hold on… really hard… so hard that it’s so painful deep down. Somehow I hoped and pray… really hard that this is not happening, then coincidentially Erika called. It’s so hard to bear when she asked how was Choon Hui and I doing… it’s so hard to bear that I cried… really hard. But luckily she did comfort me a lot during times like this and I feel much better.

Luckily that I got through later and apparently Choon Hui is talking to his girlfriend on the phone, and I’m so relieved to hear that. As much as I’m a bit jealous, but I’m just happy… nothing matters anymore, I would say. I just want to see him happy, and to keep him as a great friend of mine. Whether to be with him or not, that’s pretty much secondary now. That definitely reminds me of Steven, reminding me that “Love is not to be able to have your love ones by your side, but to see him/her to gain extreme happiness in life”.

Maybe I’m not a noble person afterall… but I’ll try my best. I just hope that I’m able to keep it that way or for the better… if not for the best.

I love you, Choon Hui. And I really do.