Today’s Drifting Thoughts: There’s Times When Caring Nags Sounds More Like Drills

Really… to describe what I feel today would be extremely complicated… well… it basically isn’t complicated, but I just feel two totally different feelings conflicting with each other, and yet at the same time, but feelings are pretty much closely related to each other… maybe to a point that they are relatively similar.

I think I’m unable to put my feelings in words right now, considering how bad I was in expressing these complicated thoughts, let me just say what happened today.

Early in the morning, I went to the dentist for a checkup. It’d have been a normal incident if it’s not the case that I haven’t had my dental checkup for like… 3 years? And to be honest, my teeth are pretty much in bad shape now XD. And just what I had expected, the dentist told me just that.

Then I’m starting to notice my defensiveness.

I really understood that the reason I paid a dentist… or any sort of professionals, is to get some sort of advice which will help to maintain or improve my lifestyle. And yet it seems that I just can’t stop feeling less defensive when I hear something critical to me.

Then later in the evening, my family went to Aunt Ling’s wedding dinner at a vegetarian restaurant. The atmosphere is really nice, and the food is great, and the whole family and relatives are having a good time there. Of course at times like this, there’s ought to be friendly chatters and of course somebody will be under the spotlight in situations like those.

Then I noticed it again: the tingling sense of defensiveness… sometimes so strong that I really feel like something is boiling inside me (well… not to a point of anger, but perhaps to a point that I feel like putting up a great debate to get myself out of the situation).

Sometimes I just don’t understand about a lot of things, as much as I knew it. How should I put it… It just seems that I know a lot of things: that the people around me cares about me, on why do they giving the advice, the validity of the advice, the good intentions of it… yet it seems that I just can’t understand a thing. No matter what kind of advice came to me, I just can’t stop feeling defensive in a negative way: to me, it just seems… so hard to put myself in other’s people shoes, I just can’t seem to… you know, “sense” their feelings and to construct the most appropriate response for these.

To put it in my aunt’s or my mom’s words, “It seems that I’m living in a world of my own.” For some reasons… they are right… thinking about it. However, that’s not the first thought that flashes through my mind, the one thought that came first is that… I just feel… hurt… helpless… “Do you understand that I tried… very hard, to put myself in your shoes?”

And yet… thinking about it… Am I right in saying that? Or is it part of my defence mechanism? Or does that only proves to be the excuse that I didn’t tried hard enough?

I understand clearly the fact that advice is easily given than taken, and any single advice has to be taken with a pinch of salt. And yet… on what basis that advice should be evaluated? Or just switching to another angle in viewing the situation… On what basis that our stand for something should be evaluated? And later on, there’s even more questions just popped up that I just can’t seem to find an answer… I believe the most prominent question will be “When should we take one’s advice and in what situations that we should stand firmly on our grounds?”

To be honest, that’s a really hard question for me. Looking at those great personalities, they usually stand firm on their ground while people are trying to convince them otherwise. And yet like every other story, it’s only being told from one point of view: one dimension of the situation itself. I just can’t stop but wonder… do they actually sacrifice something in order to achieve something. By sacrifice, I didn’t mean anything physical, but things that we can’t see: relationships, emotional support, or perhaps the knowledge of socializing?

… Typing up to this point… I was wondering, does it really matter in the end? It did seemed that I’m exploding such a small, trivial matter into something extremely complex and hard to comprehend. But then again… is it… really a bad thing?

If there’s anything that I’m sure of myself… I can only say there’s something… holding me back. It just seemed that it’s really hard for me to express myself consistently, it’s hard for me to ask for someone’s favour… or even when asking for help is perfectly OK.

Is it just me… lacking confidence in myself? Or is it that I’m just overly concerned on how people look at me? Does these questions… matters in the end? (i.e. Are they just plain pointless that I shouldn’t be thinking about it?)

At times like this, I just can’t stop but admire other people: Those who are able to do whatever they fancy without caring for others, or those who are totally clueless that they aren’t even aware that they are doing is wrong. I really admire people who are able to feel for other people.

…

I just wish that I knew what’s the advantage of being totally introspective… living on the world of my own? I really wished for an answer… Or is it the answer is already known, but has been tangled up within this mess?

I’m just… completely lost in thoughts now.