Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Of The Fear of Thinking Ahead

And so Dr Tay, who is supposed to be our final year project supervisor, have to go to France for 3 months later. And so the story goes that we were meeting Dr Lai, who is an external project supervisor, and see whether we can have him as our main supervisor while Dr Tay being co(-supervisor).

And by that everything should be a piece of cake, that’s what I believe it to be and which seems to be true… but that comes with a really nasty twist that really gave me an extreme shock (more on that later).

And so the story unfolds (imagine people starting to get impatient on me for keeping to repeat “and so”):

Just this perfect morning I went with Choon Hui and Xian Yi to meet up with Dr Lai, with Steven already waiting us there. Then the second person I saw is Dr Robert… one of the most influential professors in our university… and the one professor which I really dread to see face to face. I said dread here is not as in I hate him, it just that… for some reasons, I seem to be afraid of him for some reasons which I don’t know… which (came to a shock that) I believe I knew it today.

I spare the story on what happened, but basically what happened is that what Dr Robert had said to Choon Hui had really made an impact to me… an impact would be an understatement to be frank.

I notice my greatest fear… and my greatest weakness.

Now I only notice that the only reason I had the fear of Dr Robert is not because of external factors but more of my own. Before I proceed, let me just talk a bit about him (which I suppose should fill in the gaps that I have purposely left out).

Dr Robert is pretty much well known in our university of his own train of thoughts, and he always seem to see the bigger picture and his analytical ability, especially when it comes to human psychology and sociology, is sometimes so great that he can really seem to “read” your mind or see the core problems in things… and not only that, in order to communicate with him, you really need some mental and psychological strength, or else you’ll become so mentally drained while he dissect and comment on your thoughts. And sometimes, his can “see” the bigger picture so big that any advice he gives can be considered as extremely radical in the sense that you need to take extreme risk to achieve the best, and it’s only the best if you’re able achieve it. As radical as it sounds, everything he said seem extremely logical as well.

sees clock and notice that the lab is closing really soon

And coming back… my greatest fear is that I’m really afraid to face the chaos awaiting for me in the future or the bigger picture. Maybe chaos is not a appropriate term, maybe I should put it as that it would really affect myself in achieving the outcome: which is either attaining my dreams and greatness… or me being comfortable with settling with a boring meaningless life.

And my greatest weakness… is being myself, KNOWING VERY WELL what is happening around me, ABLE TO SEE the bigger picture (maybe not as big as Dr Robert’s but still big enough), YET I’m still fooling around with my own life… perhaps due to the fear that I had. I had all the goals and dreams in my life, yet it seems that I’m doing NOTHING to achieve it.

I don’t know… it seems that I really have to change myself, considering how much mental impact it had done to me: He had really disarmed me… totally. And I really have to do something in order to set things straight. But for now… I’m even more worried about Choon Hui: How serious would he take Dr Robert’s words? OK, maybe I shouldn’t EVEN be worried about that, since that’s not my problem… yet I can’t get that worry out from me.

lab is going to close

Just to wrap things up, here’s some unrelated good news: My wound is now OK, but it definitely seem to be leaving a scar… which is something that I really wanted to remind myself of my own weaknesses.

And that should be it… Oh god… I think I’m just thinking too much.