Today’s Drifting Thoughts: In Deep Seas of Thoughts (and Public Self-Disclosure)

Seh Hui Leong

Reflections

Phew… nothing much happened, but still… there’s just enough events for me to ponder about today. Anyway, seriously fragmented thoughts aside (will come back to that later), I was attending the interview from the National Education Accreditation Board today, where I was one of the 50 students selected from our course. So I do have to wear formal attire today, and some people have been commenting on how… professional I looked XDDD. Maybe I just looked scholarly in formal attire.

Well, basically, a bunch of us (including me, Xian Yi, Vico, Steven and, of course, Choon Hui) went there in the afternoon, and the free lunch provided are fast food (Pizzas <333, and burgers from McDonalds, which is OK as well ^^). And the waiting room is a total riot with us cracking various jokes at each other, constantly making injokes about the interview with various references from WWE, movies and hit songs XD. Gosh that’s really funny.

(Imagine our mocking senario like:

Interviewer: “What’s your opinion about your university?”,
Interviewee: “Wait for a sec…” walks to one corner and do the Hulk Hogan’s listening-to-the-cheering-crowd gesture)

Oh god! 😆 And I learned something today: 100ml of Coke contains 11grams of sugar, meaning that one can of Coke will have 35.75grams of sugar… Even 100Plus have 22.1grams of sugar. I would never see softdrinks the same way again. (but then I’ll still drink it XDDDD)

Anyway, in the end, only 5 students from our course were called as a group and the interview has been dismissed after they came back XDDDD. So basically we went there for nothing XDDD, OK, at least we get free lunch. 😛

[Deep Thoughts Section]

Later on, Xian Yi, Choon Hui and I went to see Dr Tay in the research lab, and when we got in, he’s with Mr Madhaven as well. After that we chatted a lot: from nuclear testing to terrorist attacks to passion. The conversation is extremely engaging, and we have been talking on various subjects in great depth, some points to ponder are (just to summarize things out): - As much technology advances are beneficial to humankind, it also pose a risk to humans as well. But the question is: How much risk could humanity at large take? - How people could be influenced, and how do charismatic leader would influence people into extreme thoughts (even to a point of risking his own life without thinking)? - What drives you to do what you are doing now? (Majority about life decisions)

Back at home, there’s just even more things going on that put me into some more deep thoughts, to summarize things: - One of my friend is having a slow, life-threatening heart disease… I was wondering does there anyone out there knew any diseases which will cause heart murmurs, unpredictable heartbeat patterns, and perhaps even having blood vessel clogging? The person did mentioned that it’s some sort of anaemia… Seriously I really need to find some information while I have the free time, I really don’t want to lose a good friend while I’m still able to help.

(Oh yeah! I remembered that Readers Digest did have one featured article regarding a mother's sacrifice to find out what rare and deadly heart disease her sons have. Does anyone knows in what issue the article is in?)
  • One of my course mates who didn’t identified him/herself (but I do have a few intelligible guesses) notice my journal from my signature in our university’s forum. Managed to chat with the person and (s)he’s nice to talk with 😊 (well, if my guess was correct, it should be a ‘he’ and I really enjoyed his company since he’s a humorous riot :LOL:).

The only one thing that really put me into deep thought is that… he advise me that I should take down the link to my journal from my signature. And I was like… stunned. To be frank, I never put much thought into putting on that signature since I pretty much cut-and-pasted it. But now, the members there are starting to pick up, and I really need to make a decision about it, since, as most of you know it, I have been exposing my feelings for Choon Hui all along in this journal… a feat that I’m not able to do in real life for many reasons. Just to recap some stuff which we had chatted:

FACTS::

  • My bisexuality can’t be changed, and I had always kept my options open
  • I believe the karma concept: as in the cause and effect concept. And as much I’m not too confident with myself, I strongly believe that love does not know any borders
  • Choon Hui has a girlfriend, and I accept that as a fact and will not change that, unless it’s of Choon Hui’s own freewill
  • I really liked Choon Hui a lot, no matter how hard it was to me (note that I don’t use the word “admire”, since I have committed myself to a higher level than that)
  • Some of my fellow course mates have been reading this journal
  • Our culture is still conservative about same-sex relationships (read: homophobes)

RISK FACTORS::

(mostly when more people knows about it, and Choon Hui gets to know about it)

  • People would avoid me like plague (Well, I just have to admit that homophobes exists)
  • My reputation and dignity is at stake (A big one as well)
  • I’ll lose friends
  • With all the self-disclosure I have made here, I have exposed myself too much to a point that I’ll be vulnerable to various attacks in many different forms
  • Even worse: Choon Hui will avoid me like plague (as mentioned many times in my LJ)
  • Worst: I’ll lose Choon Hui as a great friend… or even end up with a total physical separation with Choon Hui (meaning: … I guess you might know what means… ;____;)

SOME ACTIONS I COULD TAKE

  • Friend-lock my LJ
  • Take my LJ link off from my signature in our university’s forum
  • Don’t write any more about Choon Hui
  • All of the above… or do nothing about it

ANALYSIS OF CURRENT SITUATION

At this point, it just came really hard on me. For one thing, a certain proportion of my course mates knew about my LJ, and that means that I have no way in keeping it as a total secret. However, the reason I have put it as a public posting is that… I don’t want to keep it as a total secret. The reason that this LJ exist is that… I can just post up whatever which have been stored deep inside my mind and soul, a place where I can reveal my true self without anything holding me back, a place where I can just post up my extremely unphantomable and fragmented thoughts of life which no one would care to listen in real life.

And through this LJ, I’m now able to voice myself out without pent-up emotions inside me, and by any chance, I know that some people would have read it, which does in some way, provide me with an outlet to voice out. But that poses a risk as well: people who knows me in real life will be able to read this as well. As much I believe people are good hearted in general, yet we can’t deny that there’s people who will be there to hurt you. And many a times I read through people’s LJ, and seeing that how their own words will cause drama in their lives. And I’m now seeing mine starting to unfold… I don’t know how it’ll turn out, but it’s happening, starting from now…

CURRENT DECISION

By all means, unless things turns out to be the worst, whether imaginable or not, this LJ will remain public, and I don’t mind people reading through what’s happening in my own life. Say that I’m naive, too trusting or whatever, I know what I’m doing and posting, for that matter.

And there’s no way I can stop writing about Choon Hui… well… he’s already part of my life, as much I can stop myself from mentioning him… there’s just so many things that I can relate with him. Every single thing he does to me does carry a lot of impact: every single emotion, every single reaction, every single moment… As much as I have accepted that there’s a big possibility that I can’t be with him, but I’m just glad to be by his side: experiencing every single moment that we share and treasure together… and I really wanted, at least, to be close friends, if not better. And I really wanted to write down every single memory that I had with him and my friends, because I have lost too many sweet memories in the past and I don’t want to lose even more of them.

The last one really put me into great dilemma: Taking it off from my signature. I can always reason my way that I can’t and don’t want to. But the “I can’t” part is extremely fragile, since to avoid drama, I SHOULD take it off so that it won’t spread around the course too soon. But the “I don’t want to” part is what I have to decide with… Which is an extremely hard decision for me. For now… I didn’t take it down, basically due to my own stupidity. I’m fully aware of the risk that I might be facing, and it’ll be the biggest risk I have faced so far… yet I decided to take it.

For one thing, that’s what I had did with my first crush, Bean: I kept everything to myself: My sexuality and my feelings towards him. And in the end, desires can’t just be contained into your heart: it’s just too small to pack too much in there. Basically it just came to a point of outburst: I hurt myself really badly, and in the process I hurt him as well due to my own aggression towards him. As much it’s over now and we are still on friendly terms… I lost a really close friend. Even now, the scar hurts once in a while, as much as it was healed.

Now it’s the second time when I experience a love which I might not be able to attain. And yet again, I kept everything to myself, the difference is that this time, I packaged all my feelings and actions nicely with a nice gift wrap called “friendship”. Call it “communicating indirectly”, “toning it down”, or perhaps even “faking it out”, “doing things with hidden agenda” if you want to, I just don’t care what people have to say any more. And to prevent my feelings penting it up to a point which might cause negative effects, I decided to write them up… here in LJ: a place in which I believe it’s hidden to the unaware, and exposed to the people who I believe as friends. Yes, it’s a double edge sword, but I have faith in it.


Watching the time, this entry had clocked two hours plus to type… and even now, I don’t have enough confidence in myself and my decision. I’m really scared… really scared that I’ll lose another friend again… yet I really wanted to take the risk, since I really can’t pour my feelings out… no matter how hard I tried. Tears have been flowing down on my cheek while I type the second part of this, various emotions have been running inside me: happiness, joy, nostalgia, fear, uncertainty and pain. I really don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing, or perhaps doing things right…. I just… don’t know what awaits me ahead… The only thing I did is based on trust: A fragile yet strong trust, believing that eventually things will turn out for the better.

For those who have read through the longest entry I have ever typed, I sincerely thank you for sparing the time to read through what I have to share here. Sorry if it’s all crap, I just can’t help but typing what I’m feeling deep inside now…

Written by

Seh Hui Leong

Python programmer by trade, interested in a broad range of creative fields: illustrating, game design, writing, choreography and most recently building physical things. Described by a friend as a modern renaissance man.

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