Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Threading Along The Poison Ivies

Pretty much nothing happening around here, it’s pretty much the usual friends chatting, Choon Hui drooling and lectures.

Been having quite a chat with Dr Tay regarding his masters syllabus setting stuff and my future plans. Well… for the time being, I’m still stuck between the crossroad of studies and work, and both of them are pretty much equally as attractive… but both of them would drift me in different directions. To be frank… I’m just stuck in the middle, feeling a little bit lost on where I would want to reach from here. If I wanted to get my masters, that would give me enough excitement to do my explorations and research in the academic world. But if I took up the career path, I would really want to venture into the game market or some sort of web design kind of work.

But somewhat… I just can’t seem to find some sort of focus on what kind of field I would really want to work for a longer period of time. And this is enough to make me feel perplexed. Really… what I really want in the future? Everything just seems to me like a big question mark, a big mystery to be solved. I admit it’s fun, but floating in the sea of choice without some sort of guidance can be quite annoying as well.

Dr Tay encouraged me to explore the possibility of furthering my studies overseas, which is something that I really dreamed for. I would really want to go to some foreign country some day, just to broaden my horizons… seeing the things around the world. Of course, that might be my own optimistic views, for every single beautiful thing hides the ugly side as well… which is a risk I’m glad to take, but how much shock that I’m able to stomach? Guess that’s something that I might not be able to find an answer to.

And speaking of the future, the thoughts of Choon Hui did left me a little bit confused on my side. I would say that I’m just content with whatever I had now, since I can’t seem to visualize of being together in the first place… just that… Am I really prepared to face the time when he’s going separate ways with me? It may seem like a long way from here, but think about it… there’s only 10 months left before we finish with our courses, and it might as well slip as soon as we didn’t keep an good eye on it.

Ideally, it would have been great if we manage to continue our studies together, but how great the chances are? Well… for one thing, I knew his girlfriend is now in Australia (if my antennas are working all right), he might go there if he wanted to… Argh! I think I better don’t make assumptions now and find some day to ask him about his plans! >.<”

I don’t know… maybe I’m just getting all obsessive-compulsive over Choon Hui lately (speaking of which, his name is pretty much sprinkled everywhere in my LJ for the last two months)… I don’t think it’s a good sign, but it might not be bad either. Hmm… that’s open for interpretation.

Speaking of which, I have been reading Ahmed journal for quite some time… behind my worries for him, what he wrote does put me into deep thoughts… Losing the drive for anything we use to love so much <=(… I just can’t stop but feeling sad when I read every single word from him, because that’s pretty much what happened to me many times, the last being earlier this year. And at times like these, I knew I had to move on, but there’s always something… dragging me further behind, then suck every single happy thoughts which I have collected. It’s tiring… and it really hurts deep down (I was tempted to use the F word again… gosh).

I just… don’t know when I manage to pull myself together, maybe it was the appearance of Choon Hui in my life, I believe. And what he had gave me during this period of getting to know each other is totally priceless: I regained the confidence, the ability to hope and dream, to believe that someone greater to love, my own identity… It just happens in a least expected way. And I really believe that there’s no wonder why I liked him that much, and that pretty much explains the fear of losing him… I’m just… afraid to fall into the oblivion again. But somewhat something deep inside me reassures me that everything is going to be OK, even without his (as in Choon Hui’s) constant presence. I suppose I just have to believe and have faith that we’re able to be best friends.

Anyway… let me see whether I can catch Ahmed now… I’m just worried about him. Till then, I just hope for the best for all the great people I know.