Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Take The Red Pill… Will Ya?

OK, the Internet have definitely being a total idiot for the past two days! (And I’m SOOO close in using the F words now, but I’ll just leave it as that)

For some apparent reasons, I just feel tired: physically and partially emotionally. I can explain the physical part, considering that having a lecture marathon isn’t fun and having mid-terms and assignments lately does freaks me out for no reason (GOD! I just wished that I can snap out of it and take it easy). But for some reasons, I just can’t seem to find a good pattern for my current emotional state. Yes, I would say that I am happier than before, but it seems that I can still see that there’s parts of it being foggy and the other being shadowed by something in the past which I can’t say which one for sure. Is it that I’m starting to feel insecure about myself? Or is it that I feel that I’m totally out of control in handling my own life? Or is it that I’m being overly sensitive all for the wrong reasons?

There’s just a lot of things that I have to clear up, and really… I just wished that I knew where to find help… ._.”. The only thing I noticed is that this is not the first time I wrote about this in my LJ (now it seems to be more like a personal diary), and I just can’t seem to string all these fragments together.

Sometimes I’m just so pissed off about life in general, I don’t know, I just hate to see great people (or at least those whom I believe that they are) suffering. OK, maybe it’s only me being emotional after I catch up with three-days worth of LJ friends entries, but I’m just… overwhelmed. Sometimes at times like this I just feel totally helpless, and when something happens to someone you know online, it just makes things tougher. For one thing I know:

• It’s not that we have been together and know each other better (which is something that you can only achieve in real life)
• It’s not that we can just understand someone based on the way that people write (it’s part of it, but like many other visual cues it can be deceiving)
• It’s not that we can know the truth behind everything

And yeah, about the truth factor, what is the truth anyway? Sometimes the truth that people is trying to feed us might be one observation towards one situation, just the thoughts of it spelt drama to me. But then, we as humans are a being of emotions. Sometimes I just think those emotions and human behaviour as a double edge sword: Worst being “Trust”. Trust is such a powerful gift to humans that forms the basis of human survival. Yet again, it so powerful that it’s fatal to the owner once it gets misused by someone else.

Basically I’m no paranoid, and sometimes I just so naive that I believe in intimate friends without any thoughts, doubts or question. I foresee myself bound to be hurt someday because of my weakness, yet I did took my paranoia into the extremes once that it really hurts in the end.

I just wish that I can just solve that mystery, but life is just full of mysteries that awaits to be solved.

---

I think I’ll leave it as that for now, I believe that I’ll come back to this someday. Just to lighten things up a bit, I have fun chatting with Dr Tay today, and Choon Hui is always a sweetie.

All hugs to Ben, Vicky and Ahmed for the things that have happened to you. I hope things would be better for you guys, and the only thing I can do now is to hope for the best and have unconditional faith in you guys that you’ll be able to overcome the hurdles in life. May God bless you (as much as I don’t really believe in a specific God, but it’s the thought that counts, right?).

Felix signing off now. Take care of yourself.