Today’s Fragmented Thoughts: Mother’s Days Blues

My brother saw me in more fashionable clothes this morning, he flatly asked “Where are you going?”, and I replied “Ipoh”. From that conversation onwards, I sensed something is not right, but just go to Ipoh anyway. And halfway of going there, I suddenly remembered that today’s mother’s day! “Oh my god!” I said myself, and constantly feeling bad about it, mostly due to the fact that I should help out my mother instead. In case you didn’t know, my mom opens a cake shop, and mother’s day is usually the day when my mom will be the busiest, so busy that she will always ask me and my brother and sister to help her out in the past. So the bus ride is basically a guilt ride… but that leave me a lot of room to do my thinking.

Well… I don’t know, sometimes I’m just like that, I’m as insensitive as a wood most of the time. And somewhat I suspect I do have some sort of physiological obsession to try not to offend anybody, and try my best to please the people around me (not in a negative way, thank you). I don’t really know how to put it, the best way I can say that is that I really hate to be rejected by anyone, as much I’m OK being lonely most of the times. My constant fear of offending or disappointing people, or perhaps even avoiding punishment or nagging, always holds me back in doing things or making out lies and stuff. And that didn’t help a lot either, my shyness is getting even worse, I suspect.

Reaching Ipoh, I have fun with the Wind Dance Group members, but I can’t seem to get rid of my guilt. But at least those people are really kind and friendly, and the relationship among them are really close. It’s a really heart-warming sight. Taught Kelvin the para for I Wanna Dance/Domino. It’s really fun seeing him getting it right the first time round ^^. Anyway, I made my presence known there, and that’s good for our dance group as well, since there’s a connection there.

Returning home, my mom smiles at me although her face shows signs of fatigue. Somewhat that makes me even more guilty… She mention that my aunt will be bringing me to a fortune teller tomorrow (um… my family isn’t really superstitious, but they believe fortune telling will somewhat helps when we met with crossroads). Well… I just feel… well, it’s not that I don’t believe fortune telling, it’s just that stupid inner voice and fears is nagging me somewhat. Somewhat there’s a lot of present events that I’m hiding away, I’m just feel a bit afraid… I don’t know, sometimes I just don’t feel like having my future told, the presents and the possible consequences has been worrying me too much. Maybe I’m over thinking and perhaps over reacting? I think I should loosen up a little… but it’s easy to say than done.

Well… guess I just better keep my brains blank for a while. Till then, I wish all mothers a happy mother’s day.