Today’s Drifting Thought: Spirited Away

I just finished two papers today, making it the end of the second last day of our examinations. I suppose I fare pretty well on both papers I had, but what interest me is how I feel the day after I knew I failed my Numerical Analysis and Mathematics for Computer Graphics paper. For the whole night yesterday wasn’t a really pleasant experience, With my friend staying in my room, I slowly sneaked myself outside of the house, trying to get some fresh air… and some personal space. I tried… really hard to force my tears out which I held back… but I can’t seem to force it. It just seems to me that I’m really sad yet I can’t really get over with it once and for all.

For the whole night, I have been thinking a lot of things: My fear for failure, my over-reaction towards team-mates who can’t do closer than half from what I expected, to something intimate… like me being a lone wolf with no friends. Criticism from some of my real-life friends ring a bell when they said that I didn’t pay much attention to friends I knew quite well, making them feel like they are abandon for new friends to fuel my curiosity. Then I have been thinking about me and my insensitivity to others while at times I get overwhelmed by them, to my tendency to hold back sadness from showing up to others so that it’ll appear that nobody needs to worry about me. Then it just struck me that in the end… I’m all alone. Cried really, really hard just by that thought.

Most of the times, I understand that my friends are really concerned about me and often give me a lot of advice in improving myself. As much as I understand that was a really genuine and friendly gesture, sometimes that something that I don’t really need now. Sometimes I just wish for some plain, shallow comfort… A warm embrace, a shoulder to cry on, a soft yet secure pat on the back, a soft voice reassuring that it’s OK to feel down… Things that are so easy to give yet so hard to practice and receive… Getting back in my room, I felt OK, but still feeling emotionally tired. My friend in my room looked stressed by the enormous amount of exam material… and I just kept my silence…

Just after examinations today, I just sit on my bed and relax… tomorrow’s paper is on 2 in the afternoon, and my friend has packed his things and went home, my aunt has yet to come back home from work… now I had all the peace and quiet I wanted. Slumping on my bed, I popped in my favourite animated feature Spirited Away by Hayao Miyasaki. And watch attentively to every single detail projected into my face.

As much as I had watched it numerous times, I have yet to feel fed up from it. It seems that I can relate to every single character in the animation, and today I can related to them even more… even feeling for them. Chihiro constantly remind me of myself: spoilt, weak crybaby with no manners in the beginning of the movie, at first doing everything being told and being harassed not due to personal preference but due to the fact that she had no choice if she ever wants to get back to her own world with her parents. And then there’s Haku, always cold and all-business on the outset, but always finds a chance to help Chihiro when the time is right. Just seeing them always reflect myself: Feeling like I had no choice but to bow down in order to reach my dreams, hiding every single thought of insecurity from everyone else. Just like how Chihiro felt during the beginning of the movie. Then in my current situation, I feel like I’m Haku, being in a position where I have to be strict and no-nonsense, yet deep down feeling lost and trying to search my forgotten identity.

The most prominent character is the evil Yubaba, whom has always struck a chord with me: She seems to portray every single harsh fact in real life. Stealing one’s identity in order to gain control of people. How true… how many times we have been serving as a slave to something and lose our identity… and we are often distracted by greed and pride that we forgot everything about our true selves. The introduction of No Face is also very sympathizing and at the same time I feel empathetic to him… Feeling all alone, no friends… just nobody. Then once he saw Chihiro, he get the attention which he was deprived in the past, and then feeling all obsessive… slowly evolving to a monster who manipulates others in order to achieve his greedy means. Once getting the grip of human nature, he believes that wealth and power can get him everything he wanted… but in reality, that’s not always true, especially when someone is a friend instead of someone taking advantage of you.

Just watching Spirited Away itself has somewhat brought me to an adventure… feeling the highs and lows of Chihiro, seeing how true love and friendship can be achieved by every single small unobvious action that we take, how courage and independence is being built up by forcing ourselves to do our best, how dreams can exists beyond the unexpected actions and events… At the end of the movie, I was half expecting Chihiro to turn back while she was told by Haku not to… but she almost did… hesitated a while, and never did it. That scene touched me by a very great degree.

While the ending credits are rolling… I just slumped there, while Youmi Kimura’s beautiful voice starting to calm me down. While I’m at it… I’m thinking again, is it possible for me to achieve what Chihiro did? Really… I don’t know. But Hayao Miyazaki have done such a awesome job in capturing the essence of every single character, and making Chihiro has now inspired me in many unexplainable ways.

As much as I doubt myself now… I feel that I have to move on with my life, doing whatever I can to make my life and others better. As much turning back is really tempting, I have to learn to gain strength to appreciate what we have now and what’s in store of the future… Hopefully one day, I’m able to be true to myself and identify myself in passage of time and challenges… who knows the future anyway?