Today’s Drifting Thoughts: Crossed Feelings

Today is just another very stressing day, work being piled up like no end, the oversight that the semester is going to end within next month and exams are coming. And I’m just sitting there, having my classes. I was thinking of clearing up my brains and give myself a break, but sometimes things didn’t work out the way you wanted it to be: consequences of past events will eventually take it’s chances to lurk and haunt you whenever they had the chance.

A kind of emptiness is filling up while I’m thinking of having a clear thought, just like a dark cloud overshadowing my inner self. Then it decided to pour down rains of negative thoughts: of my current situation, of my choice towards my paths and goals in life, of my own flaws, of my feeling of being unloved and deprived.

Sometime I did wonder about my own feelings though, more often than not I’m totally confused with my own emotions. Many times, moods like happiness, sadness, anger, depression take many forms and in many type of magnitudes that I can seem to differentiate between good ones and bad ones (especially for negative moods). And more often than not, I react to them so quickly without putting much thought that I feel like I don’t understand myself: What’s behind all these emotions? Is it a reflection of my past experience? Or is it my own prejudices and biased views has shut out a lot of good things in disguise? Sometimes people say that we must keep an open mind, but sometimes these emotional reactions has caused us to react way too soon.

But is holding back emotions a good thing? I guess not, having emotions is what makes us human in the first place. However, handling them isn’t easy either… I wish there was some sort of a decoder so that I can really read what am I feeling right now and what makes me feel that way.

Perhaps it’s part of growing up and being matured in thoughts… Hopefully I’m able to understand myself a little bit better along the way.

[::Random events::]

• One mid-term test down, yippee!
• Stupid headaches, great… I do hate feeling stressed.
• Darn… got to control that stupid lusting thoughts in me… 😣